I Am Fluttershy
by BemnalTheFallen
Summary: I am so many things; weak, angry, strong, wise, motherly, whimpy, insane, in love, falling apart. All my friends just see what they want to see; a meek quiet little caretaker of animals. But I am so much more. I am an individual filled with too much stuff. I am unique. And this is my story from violation, to loving Rainbow Dash, to losing family, to motherhood. This is me.
1. Pieces of Me

I Am Fluttershy

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Violence.

Mental instability.

Disturbing Imagry.

Swearing.

Sexual Content.

A lot of emotional distress and angst.

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Chapter one, Pieces of Me

-A small note, this story is much more emotional than any other fanfic that I've written, mainly because it draws upon a lot of real world issues that more people feel than you realize. We all try to trudge through the days of our lives fighting the existential crises and soldiering on. But what if you're mind was so frail, so weak that that it let in more stuff than it could shove out? What if we weren't able to just 'deal with it' and the slightest issues in your life became fanatical seriel killers out for your sanity? What if... your mind was pushed too far? And what if... you were more open minded to things because of it? What if your mind couldn't take it? What if you broke? What if you shattered? What if... you were split into a million little pieces? All ripping at each other's throats for the chance to breath the surface air in your consciousness? Could you soldier on then?- excerpt from the secret book of Bemnal the Fallen

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I am Fluttershy. I am unique. I am me. And by the Sisters, I will be seen.

That stupid little mantra that I say to myself every night. It sounds so meaningful, so philosophical; but it's just disturbing to my ears. sharing myself say it sends shivers through my rib cage, the most uncomfortable and disconcerting kind; the kind that says: I don't like this, stop it, stop making me go through this.

Words are so hollow, they mean nothing until the recipient of said words chooses to give them meaning. Kind of ironic when you think about it; so many words in life are given such profound meaning. the first words you ever say for instance; things like 'mamma' but that's a lie. the first words that you ever say as a foal are completely meaningless; things like 'no' 'that' 'cookie' 'poddy' 'blue' 'dog' just random words that your brain decides upon as a template to begin building language comprehension off of.

Words... they hold so little meaning by themselves; hence forth, they are meaningless in their entirety when spoken to one's self in the dead of night in front of a mirror. I feel stupid for even making the mental devotion to such a repetition of words.

then why the shell do I keep repeating them?! Time and pressure... those are three words that hold meaning for me. Time and pressure... oh yes... time... and pressure... I heard those three words in a movie; can't remember the name after so many years but that phrase... I remember it well.

Time and pressure wares down all things. What do those words mean? Well, they could mean any plethora of things depending on who's asking, and who's listening. To me, they are the irrefutable truth that with continued and just plain stubborn devotion to one's task, a pony can overcome and achieve anything they set their mind to. Especially if that involves overcoming something whether it be a physical object that you're trying to break down, or a mental block that you must overcome due to personal vendetta against your own center of will.

Fuck... just listen to me rant... if my friends heard me say any of this, they wouldn't understand the words, they wouldn't even hear them; they'd here their friend possessed by some philosophical monster making her act all different and wierd, even to the point of becoming hostile. I'm not stupid, well I am, but I'm also smart if that makes any sense. But anyway, I understand the prejudice that ponies hold; Equestria pretends to be so peaceful and loving and kind and accepting and all that hooey and while yes to some extent that's true, it's also a facade.

Equestria has it's own problems. It has it's own preconceptions. Zecora is a prime example, everypony including myself placated our own prejudice views and shunned her with fear and hatred, and more than a little bit of hostility; and we didn't even know her! We all just thought, 'she's not normal, she does weird things so she's something to be wary of'

By that logic, me acting like I am now, explaining things in such clarity and emotion would be highly out of the norm for me by my friend's and all of Ponyville's views of me. when I tried to be more assertive they all turned on me; whether I took it too far or not is irrelevant, they could have just scowled and decided, "I don't like you so I'm not going to talk to you." but instead they were like "I don't like who you've become so I'm going to guilt trip you into changing back into what I want you to be." Oh the fierce religious justice of those words! Because I didn't change at all you know, nothing changed, I just let out a different part of me that was always there.

Whenever a shop-keep tries to swindle me I want to stab him in the fucking throat with a carrot (butcher knives are cliché) when some pony cuts in front of me in line I want to break their legs to teach them a lesson. And when somepony has a problem with the way I'm acting I wanna tell them to go fuck a syphilis infested rat and keep their Luna damned opinions to themselves.

I am me, I am Fluttershy, and if you have a problem with that, then go fuck yourself 'cause I don't give a shit.

But of course I'd never say that; that's just one small piece of me after all. there's other pieces of the whole as well. the assertiveness episode I went through just brought that small piece to the surface.

But here's a largest piece of me, the one that normally shines bright and strong; the weak, pathetic, quiet, shy, scared, meek Fluttershy that doesn't want to make waves. That's the part of me that all of my friends see. the one they WANT to see.

I have an analogy with boxes but I'll get to that later, I just want to put it here so that I don't forget, my mind rambles with hundreds of thoughts and it's easy to get lost quite often.

That large piece just wants everything to be cool with everypony; she wants peace and love and happiness. And she'll go to any lengths to ensure that she's gets it. Regardless of the pains and frustration that the majority of me keeps. But she's also extremely empathetic and can see into other pony's problems. Feel their pain as her own, which only ads to her already full shit list.

I hate that part of me so much, but I can't live without it; why? Because of the next piece of me.

the one that thinks... that never stops thinking... about anything... ever... the me that's recording this all with a sono crystal voice recorder right now, the me that worries about everything, too many thoughts racing through her head. the smallest issues and problems that plague me throughout the day that any sane pony would be able to just brush off bug me... no, they more than just bug me, they fill me with panic attacks; there's times when I just can't stop freaking out over the stupidest problems, constantly running them through my mind over and over and over and OVER! But there's nothing I can do about them. At least not at that point in time, but I just can't stop thinking about them.

And the anxiety throws me into bouts of extreme near-heart attack panics and suicidal depressions. This piece of me is the scariest, the one that I can't control, the reason why the weak shy me exists. Because the meek unassuming little twat makes sure that nopony has a problem with me. And if nopony has a problem with me, then they won't be mean to me. And if they're not mean to me then I won't have any problems. And if I don't have any problems then I can sleep at night. Oh I lose SO much sleep; I hardly ever sleep, I'm a chronic insomniac due to this shit. the anxiety forces me into a state of hyper emotion and I grudgingly drag myself back, but then it flares up again and I drag it back down yet again.

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Sorry, I spaced out, like I said I have a lot of thoughts racing through my mind, even right now as I talk I'm thinking about issues that I can't deal with and probably aren't even there, it's like my mind is just making up things for me to freak out about and saying it like that demeans the situation but IT'S A FUCKING PROBLEM DAMNIT! *sniffle* I... I can't handle this... it's so much... so much worry... so much anxiety and gods damn pain...

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you know... sometimes I wonder if maybe I could just... let it all out... a sharp object across the wrist or neck... actually that'd fucking hurt, how about poison. Something slow and painless... and everything would just slip away... my mind would finally calm down... everything would be quiet.

Oh Luna I want that quiet... that peace... just a blank empty black nothingness... it's better than this at any rate...

Aw well, I'm too much of a pussy to go through with it; I'm too scared of what lies on the other side of the veil; I've done so many bad things in my life, I'm not exactly destined for pearly gates. Forgiveness? Maybe, I'd like to think so; I hope so... a lot... I pray every night you know. I pray, I don't care if anything is sharing me or not, I don't fucking care, I pray. Because I need to; I need to believe that's there's some gods damn point to all this *sobs* I-I need s-some reassurance... that there's something better waiting for me on the other side... somewhere where my fucked up mind can just shut the hell up and be quiet... a place where my smiles are genuine, some place where I can be happy. And because of that, I pray; oh I pray with SUCH a vengence!

But I sin too... frivolously... almost with recklass abandon. I can't let myself feel bad about it though, because then that scary piece of me will make me feel like shit and won't show me any mercy. I've devised names for all these pieces of me. the angry piece that want's to commit homocide is Flutterbitch. the Weak humble, gentle side is Necessasaryshy. the anxiety filled self harming bipolar side is Scaryshy. the next one is Carefreeshy; I like that one, or rather, I like it when I'm her. That side of me has no morals, no rules, and no reason not to leap before she looks. she's probably the tiniest piece of me out of them all.

she's the playful happy go lucky animal like the critters I take care of.

Oh another note, I want to elaborate on why I'm so good with animals, gotta write that down somewhere...

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OK we're good, now then, back to what I was saying, the critters I take care of are so much like Carefreeshy, she's so... I don't know, happy, I guess. she has no inhibitions; she makes impulsive decisions and thinks whatever she wants; but more so, she exists only within the confines of my cottage with nopony else looking; she's a pervert, a big one. she likes writing erotic stories and masturbating to the thoughts of lesbian mares and even her own friends; even of her sister who'd molested her at a very young age, long story I'll explain later, she makes me feel like it's OK to be an individual, she's narcissistic and I love her. And she loves me. she makes me feel important. she's also yet another reason why I would never go through with suicide, she loves me, she loves herself, she loves this body and would never willingly damage it too badly. And since she's a piece of me I guess that means I would never damage it either.

So that's all of them I guess... or the major ones anyway. Flutterbitch, Necessaryshy, Scaryshy, and Carefreeshy. And then there's the average me; Fluttershy. the whole. the one who's uncertain, filled with pain, cries a lot, screams a lot and has her mind constantly torn to shreds as those four Fluttershys rip each other the fuck apart for dominance. *sigh* oh well... like I said, I can't help any of this; if I could I would have changed it a loooong time ago believe you me.

Ah well, no use dwelling in the past.

Wasn't there an analogy I was going to make? Oh ya! Boxes. My friends all want to stuff me into a tiny little box; one where I'm only Necessaryshy; see, this box is much to small for all of Fluttershy to fit into; so instead they want just Necessaryshy because that's the one that they normally see, so they're convinced that that's me. That THAT'S Fluttershy. And they're forcibly keep me that way because they're afraid of chance, they're afraid to see me in my entirety, they're afraid to see a Fluttershy that's angry, a Fluttershy that's perverted, a Fluttershy that's depressed, a Fluttershy that's hyper, a Fluttershy that's in love... a prime example of this is Pinkie Pie. the whole 'party of one' fiasco as Twilight so crudely named it, shows a very apt description of the theory I'm putting forth.

when everypony started to ignore Pinkie Pie since we were all trying to set up a party for her, she thought that we didn't want to spend time with her any more and then she got all emo and what not. What happened? Did we try to talk to our concernced friend and help her work through her issues? Nnnnope! We forced her back into the Pinkie Pie we know and love because it was too difficult to see her as anything other than the over active bundle of joy that we think she is. I don't understand her and her problems but I do understand that there are many pieces to who she is as a complete pony.

Did that mean that I wanted to help her through some empathetic connection? Nnnnope! I'm just as selfish as any other pony and aided in forcing her back into that little box that we all have. there's one for everypony you know. Even you, whoever's listening to this in a hundred or so years after I'm long dead and somepony finds these sono crystal voice recorders among my personal belongings. You're living in a box. A box that everypony you know has crafted. It's not entirely their fault though, you give them the excuse, you offer up a side of you, a piece that you want everypony else to see, because the truth is; the whole complete pony is too much for anypony to handle or understand.

And so we show ourselves in pieces. Small fragments. But you have to deal with it because you do the exact same thing to them. Imagine if your strong stoic friend suddenly acted feminine and foalish; wouldn't you be disturbed? the correct answer is yes you liar.

Boxes... we're just living in boxes... wrapped up with a pretty fucking bow... why?

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Because we're weak.

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I mentioned that I was molested by my sister. I was around 8 years old at the time, I think she was 19; she would foalsit me all the time whenever mom and dad were gone. And apparently she had a thing for adorable little fillies. I think you can work out the rest on your own.

It wasn't exactly 'bad' in a sense... I guess I have to elaborate; It wasn't necessarily forced per se, more like she convinced me to try it. Just small stuff though. Never once did she ever stick a strap on penis in my vagina, tried once but I was too little and her 'thing' was too big so it wouldn't fit. I actually can't help but laugh whenever I think back to that night, it was probably a few months after we first started... you know... doing it... and she'd been showing me all of these porn videos and I admit they got me pretty fucking horny, I wanted to try some of the stuff in it, a lot of which was anal porn. Buuuut, as I said, my hole was too small and her pole was too big, wouldn't fit in either holes so we kinda just laughed the epic fail off; I mean, putting the moral outrage aside it is kinda funny when you think about it 'It won't fit! I can't get it in!' with like, some urgency to the voice hahaha. Not that she actually said that but I could just see it happening in my mind and I roll over laughing every time.

Aaaaanywya, the only thing we could do was oral. So every night that she would foalsit me we'd both be in my room and I'd lick her pussy until she reached orgasm multiple times, which was very hard given my small tongue, and she'd lick my pussy till it got too sensitive to touch. It's weird... I hear about all these other ponies who were molested as foals and all the books say it's a 'traumatic experience.' pff, it wasn't traumatic! Unusual yes but it wasn't like I didn't enjoy it or anything, in fact I started to look forward to it. I mean come on, who doesn't like getting eaten out? And I was too young to see anything wrong with it; I even got greedy after a while. there'd be nights where she didn't want to and I'd be an immature foal about it, which I was at the time, and oh gosh... *giggle* just imagine, little filly Fluttershy glaring at her sister saying, "I wanna have sex NOW!" as if I was demanding a cookie. I would throw temper tantrums if she refused and eventually she just gave in.

It's so strange... I don't remember a lot about those days... I remember the first day. the very first... When she'd first coaxed me into licking her rose. And there was another night. One where she wouldn't eat me out, and then I got a really evil idea, I was like, "well fine, if you don't lick me then I'll tell dad what we've been doing!"

Now had our positions been reversed, I would have shit myself. But as it was, my sister had a lot more control over herself and nonchalantly responded as such, "then you'll never see me again." And wouldn't you know it? That shut me right up. I quietly drudged back to my bed and snuggled into the covers grumbling to myself about stupid big sisters and not being fair.

And then there was the last day. The day when everything first began to fall apart. The day when mom found out... oh that was such an ugly day... and from that day on, my foalhood was shattered into a million little pieces... the pieces of my mind... the pieces that ponies see and don't see.

Understand this, I LOVED my sister with all my heart; and despite everything, I still do love her; she's my sister, I'll always love her. In fact, I even feel bad sometimes thinking about how it's my fault that she wound up in jail. I remember it clear as day, see there was this book that she showed me one time, I think it was like a diary or something with her friend's sexual adventures in it. Now I was sitting in the living room with my parents -oh I should probably mention that my sister and I have the same dad but different moms- and I don't know how the conversation got to this but eventually I was talking about how my sister had shown me some less that morally upright things. My mom inquired as to what; I replied "like North Park and Beaver and Headbut do Equestria" movies that she'd shown me. My mom rolled her eyes as if those were no issue.

But then I almost felt... guilty... guilty that I didn't tell her EVERYTHING that she'd shown me and told me about. So I told her about the book. Now she was interested. She gawked and rushed into the cloud basement to grab said diary and read through it. I guess there was some pretty bad things in their but she was mostly offended, not necessarily pissed off.

At this point my inner foal was cracking... the surface forming resins to try and keep itself whole. 'just stop talking' I wanted to tell myself but at 8 years old I couldn't really comprehend such complex thoughts; I was a foal, tiny, weak, insignificant, instinctual. And what better instinct is there than to pour out your heart to your mommy? None. The bond between a mother and foal is sacred. Holy. Unassailable. I don't care what the circumstances are, you can never stop loving the one who carried you for 9 months and birthed you into the world; there's just an instinctual drive within your mind forcing you to feel like you can always cuddle up to mommy and cry your troubles away.

And so I said those crucial words that changed everything, "well... that's not ALL she showed me..."

The next few moments were a blur. Everything came pouring out. The porn, the 'first time' the continued sexual acts between my sister and I. The picture she took of my face burried in her crotch -which the investigators that came later never found by the way and I'm still a little ticked off about that- Everything. It just flowed out like water.

The glass was so cracked now... so cracked...

My. Mom. Freaked. The. Fuck. Out. Words cannot describe how pissed of she was, no, pissed off doesn't even come close; never before had I seen such unbridled, unrestrained, unrivaled, unadulterated RAGE! If my sister had been in the house at the time, I think my mom would have killed her, and I don't mean that figuratively; she was ready to commit homicide if given the chance. I was fucking terrified; I sat crying in the corner like I did something wrong. And I did, sort of, in my own strange personal rules I did something wrong. I broke a promise to my sister. I promised to never tell anypony about our secret. It was something that we had. Just us alone. Nopony else. The fun times that she and I had together, pleasuring each other, playing together. Having fun. We did more than just sex, we also did stuff that normal sisters do; played games, went swimming, watched cartoons. And in that moment, even though I didn't know exactly what I did; I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'd done something horrible that could never be reversed.

The Glass... so fragile... more cracks then shards at this point... so... so weak... so helpless...

I cried, I cried like the weak little foal I was. The only consolation I had was that my mom wasn't mad at me personally so that was something at least. I think you can guess what happened next. After all, this had been going on for a coulple years. Every summer my sister would foalsit me because mom and dad were gone at work and I had no elementary school to go to.

I think this is where it all started. My... fragile mind... this situation isn't at all unique you know. 2 in three ponies are molested before they're twelve and usually by a close family member so it's not like I'm a special case worthy of pity. Infact, by a 2/3 majority, I'm normal. This is normal. This situation is normal, happens all the time surprisingly. That is so fucking sick. That's the kind of world we live in; where stuff like this is just... normal... ugh...

A-anyway, that was the last I ever saw of my sister in person. Days passed... cops asking me questions... the whole, 'where did she touch you?' while addressing a board with a picture of a pony on it *laugh* gosh that's so fucking cliché. At least I think anyway... well it's definitely silly from my perspective. A couple weeks later mom took me to a clinic where I sat in a bed for like 5 hours watching disynae movies on a flat screen TV while a bunch of doctor Pegasi checked me over and took notes on I can only guess what. It was a weird experience. But what's more, the entire time my mom was sitting nearby being just... quiet... I cannot tell you how uncomfortable it was to look at her with that expression on her face. It made me squirm.

It wasn't until years later when I finally asked her that I found out the visit was for the doctors to see of my sister had severely harmed me in any way through the 'sexual abuse' she called it rape but I know the definition of rape and what my sister and I did was most certainly NOT rape. Ugh, that' such and ugly word, 'rape' just the sound is nasty. I wasn't forced, I wasn't tied down, I wasn't beaten, I wasn't yelled at, in fact... it was... nice... my sis was gentle with me, she always, well... most of the time anyway, made sure that I got my own pleasure alongside hers; she never did anything that caused any pain. And it didn't really feel like she was trying to dominate me in any way. In fact, there was even one time where she let me put on a strap on and do her in the ass, which was awesome by the way, and we usually just made a game out of it; we'd pretend we were a married couple or a hero and a princess or something like that.

It was fun. Enjoyable. And admittedly, pretty hot. My sister wasn't exactly 'sexy' per se she did have a simple charm about her though, but I didn't care about what she looked like; I just liked the fun times we had together. The closeness of the 'physical activities' and the comfort of snuggling with her. Oh ya there's lot's of times when I would reminisce and quite honestly, miss the times I had with her. I would lay awake crying and wishing that I'd kept my big mouth shut so that she and I could still be together. Sometimes... back before the big reveal... I'd look in the mirror and pretend that she and I were grown up and married... and that she could somehow get me pregnant and I could carry our foal inside me... I honestly desired that future for a while...

Of course now a days I have the world weary wisdom to see how creepy all of that was and well... honestly if I saw my sister today I'd probably buck her in the face. I know it's not my fault that everything happened; she's the one who decided to trade tongue fucks with an 8 year old filly. But at the time... that's not how my mind worked...

The Glass... it's crying blood... it can't keep together for much longer...

Court cases began to come up, I wanted to see my sister... but nopony would let me... I missed her so much...

Then came the therapy... the most uncomfortable moments of my life... funny cause nowadays I don't have a problem talking about most of this to ponies I trust. All of my five closest friends know about this; it's just not that big a deal, it happened, nothing I can do about it. And like I said, it's fairly common for stuff like this to happen to ponies.

But at the time I didn't want to talk about it. Those were my private moments with my sister and nopony else's. Well, except mom's but those were special circumstances and would continue to affect me for years to come -I'll get to that later- so I didn't exactly feel like opening up. Although I did enjoy the plastic building pony/machine toys, I think they were called bio-canle? bi-optical? Something like that, anyway that was really the only reason I didn't start screaming at the therapist for asking questions that as far as I was concerned, were none of his business

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So basically I bottled it all up. And hid it away.

The glass... so... so...

My mom came to me a couple weeks later, a court case, a trial to decide my sister's fate. I knew enough by how everypony was acting that she was in a lot of trouble. They kept telling me it wasn't my fault and that I was the victim in all this. I'm not victim! Was what I wanted to scream, I'm just a pissed off little filly who's losing her sister because she couldn't keep her yap shut! So naive... so frail... maybe that's where my narcissism began, I wanted to hug myself. Nopony understood me, nopony knew what I was going through, how could they? That was my thought at the time.

They wanted my thoughts on my sister. I voiced them. As best I could, "even if she did something bad, she's still my sister and I love her no matter what!" I said with fire in my adorable filly eyes. To an adult fully aware of the situation those words must have broken their hearts, 'poor kid' they probably thought, showering me with pity. Not like I didn't earn it, pathetic little thing I was. But I would still hug me and tell me that it'll all be OK, because I'm fragile, I need love and comfort and reassurance just to carry on.

And that's why I never told my mom what I REALLY thought. "I'm not gonna see my sister again..." That was the logical emotion behind what I was feeling. But here's the dark horrifying truth. What I REALLy thought... "My sister's gone... I'm not gonna get fun sex times anymore..." and 8 year old... and that's all I could think about... 'oh no, who's going to eat my pussy now?!' I honest to Celestia thought those thoughts and with passion behind them. How fucked up is that?

And then it hit me, "... I'm... never going to see her again... ever..."

The glass... broke... no, it FUCKING EXPLODED!

I was never the same again. Innocence, fucking dead! Foalhood, fucking dead! Natural happiness, fucking dead! All the things that make up a normal healthy happy mentally stable pony, FUCKING. DEAD.

And that was that. I became a bad apple from that day on. By age 10 I was looking up anime porn on my dad's computer, I found cartoon and anime characters much more attractive than real life ponies, in fact, they looked almost ugly to me, I'm not quite sure why though...

Age 12 I had my first panic attack set on my an overload of worries and anxieties. I began spilling out everything to my mom, every little secret, every little issue I had; the guilt annihilated me. I didn't stand a chance.

Age 13 I met the most important mare in my life, Rainbow Dash. At this time we were only friends, but we quickly became the best of friends and got into a lot of trouble together. In fact, aside from my mom, to this day she's the only pony who sees all sides of me and accepts me as me, Fluttershy. She also had various sides to herself as well. And she was quite perverted herself; we actually had more in common than you'd realize. Of course we had our differences, she liked going fast and being loud. I liked taking it slow and being quiet. But for the most part we thought on the same wave length. We could finish each other's sentences and even made up our own secret language along with a bunch of special hoof shakes.

Age 14, I was still sleeping in my mom's bed next to her whenever I could beg my way in with puppy dog eyes. It would take another full year before I'd grow out of that habit. Oh and I still can't sleep with the lights off.

Age 15... well... that's where the next chapter in my life began... I'll tell you about that tomorrow.

Anyway, before I sign off I wanted to get back to that thing about the animals. I love them. A lot. Why? Because they aren't broken like ponies. they're simple and basic. Pure instinct. Innocent... they're everything that I used to be... and that's why I love them. I get a feeling of nostalgia whenever I'm around them. Staring into their black soulless eyes filled with empty yet omnipotent emotion calms me like you wouldn't believe. They're honest. The tell you exactly what they're thinking with but a stare. Just a simple look. And staring into those big adorable eyes fills me with such a blissful calm, void of any emotion or chaos... just... peace. From the moment I stared into the eyes of a dove at age 10, I knew that I'd HAVE to be around animals if I wanted to be calm as much as possible. Plus, taking care of them makes me feel important. Like I have a purpose. And in exchange they give me love and comfort. It's a perfect symbiotic relationship.

Anyway. I'm really tired so I'm going to sign off for tonight. Tomorrow I'll get to the juicy parts of the story when Rainbow Dash and I started to grow closer than friends. And in a homophobic school like the one we went to, that's a pretty major issue.

And I can tell you right here and now, the relationship was NOT smooth.

Alright, goodnight all or... whoever's listening to this. Fluttershy signing off.

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Author's Note:

***DISCLAIMER***

I do not own My Little Pony Friendship is Magic nor do I have any affiliations with it, it's producers, or it's benefactors This is a work of fiction made for entertainment purposes only.

Please support the official release.

***DISCLAIMER***


	2. Friends

Slight note, this story is currently undergoing revisions as I write it I have just put in the revised version of the first chapter. From here on out the future chapters will be revised and spell checked before I post.

Chapter two, Friends

-Friends. That's what we all have, but when friends become something more... can we handle it? Do we want it? What if they're the same gender? Does it matter? Does it matter to others? Do you care if it matters to others? These are the painful questions that you scoff at and try to ignore, but the pit of your stomach forces to to ask in the dark dead of night or in the solitude of the bathtub. These are the questions that you just can't get rid of, no matter how much you scream and thrash. They're uncomfortable. And they don't care that they are.- excert from the secret book of Bemnal the Fallen

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Well hello again, I guess... hmm, I said that I'd talk about Dashie didn't I? Right. Well, our relationship most certainly had its bumps, more so than I was even remotely comfortable with. But you know how that works... The discomfort. The annoying challenge presenting itself with fanatical devotion. Discomfort. The knotting of the stomach. Makes you want to crawl into a ball and die. How to vent such frustrations? The world tosses all these problems at you and how do you deal with them?

Me? I had friends. I needed them, or at least one. Just one friend that I could... I don't know... be a douche with. You know, a buddy pal. Everypony needs friends. Needs somepony to make you feel normal. A constant. Yes, a constant.

Rainbow Dash. My constant. As if I could help but fall in love with her. It didn't start out that way though. All that love at first sight bullshit is exactly that; Bullshit.

There is no love at first sight. There's just random feelings that sneak up on you at inconvenient times because that's just how our brains work, they're not fair, they're not nice, they just act. Period. But sometimes, relationships can start out as something simple and unexpected; like a friendship.

Or maybe that is expected, rather over used and bland isn't it? 'Oh foalhood friends who fell in love, boooooriiiiing.' Well fuck you 'cause this wasn't a pleasant ride from friends to lovers. It was filled with angst, hate, self loathing and contempt. There were times where I wanted Dashie dead and I'm pretty sure she felt the same of me. 'Cause that's how relationships work in real life. They're unpleasant, they're painful, they suck. You hang around somepony who infuriates you but you stick with it regardless because for some reason, in those few moments that you're physically near them, you feel happy.

Are you legitimately happy? Who knows, but do you feel happy? Definitely. And that's all that really matters, being around somepony who makes you feel irrational, who takes away the pain and lets you feel free, devoide of all those fucked up problems in your life, because during those few moments that you sit next to your special somepony; you can tell the universe to go fuck itself and just enjoy the moment.

So it was, the first day that I met Dashie. It was pleasant enough I suppose... a bit random though. I was ohh let me see here... about 13, just recently aged in fact. I remember it so well. Funny how it's so hard to recall an average day from years ago yet there are those moments that you can never forget. I can never forget this moment, why? Because Dashie is special, she's important to me, I need her.

And so, there I was. I walked through the middle school halls bouncing gaily on the cloud floor when suddenly a technicolor maned bundle of ADHD joy rushed up to me exclaiming, "hey Fluttershy! Gosh it's been forever huh?!"

I blinked in confusion, "do... do I know you?" I asked in that pathetic voice of mine as I shifted uncomfortably.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, "pff, duh! Remember 5th grade?"

I remember thinking, 'not much, but I'd definitely remember you.' I mean come on! That cyan blue coat, that ridiculous mane and tail, those beautiful rose eyes; how could anypony forget about her? Not to mention she tends to stand out in a crowd.

But for the life of me, I couldn't draw up any memories of previous encounters with her.

But hey, I was short on friends at that time so if she was stupid enough to associate herself with a loser like me, I wasn't about to push her away, "uh... y-ya! Duh, Rainbow Dash right?" Funny... I thought I didn't remember meeting her before? And yet I knew her name... maybe I did meet her? But I can't quite... remember... it's kind of like trying to remember a dream you know? Words that are so familiar slowly slipping away...

I definitely remember the name, maybe I heard it from one of the other students? Ya that's probably it. Only explanation that made sense to me at any rate.

"Well we should totally hang out tomorrow! What lunch to you have?" she asked in that adorable hyper energetic voice of hers, oh and those parts of her speech that cracked as if her voice was still forming, and that tomcoltish tint to her voice... she really is a very attractive mare you know; in a lot of ways beyond physical appearance. But I'll get to that later.

"Uhh... B lunch I think..." I think? Really? A lunch that I go to every day and I 'think' I know the name of it? Fucking retard... but Dashie didn't seem to mind.

"Sweet! I'll meet you there then! Bye!" and off she went. Just like that; random encounter in the hall ways and RD bumps into me, claiming to know me like an old time friend, and poof, off she goes.

Oh well, I shook my head as I continued towards the nurse's office. Oh yea, I should probably mention that I take ADHD medicine now. Apparently I'm far too hyper for my own good HA! Imagine that, Fluttershy, hyper! Ridiculous right? Wrong. My energy levels have severely toned down over the years but back then I was a little bundle of chaotic joy and over active imagination.

And talk about being a dork... ugh, no I was beyond being a dork. While other foals sat quietly in their seats I pretended my hooves were two little mortal combat fighters duking it out to the death; this did NOT go well in elementary school. I became a freak, a weirdo. I isolated myself from the rest of the herd -no pun intended- and wound up playing by myself in the playground while everypony else had friends and niches to fit into.

Meanwhile I was the creep who waved her hooves around all the time and made sound effects. Wasn't all bad though, if I ever got in trouble and sent to the corner I was more than capable of occupying myself. Now I should probably explain where the mortal combat thing came from, see, my dad was obsessed with video games when he was younger and one day when I was oh I don't know, 6 maybe? I found him playing mortal combat on a really old game system most ponies don't even know the name of anymore, and sat down to watch him; after a while he noticed my presence and handed me a controller.

Ya, give a 6 year old filly a game controller to mortal combat, reall grade A parenting there dad. Anyway, my wings curled around the handles and buttons and boom. From that day on I was a hardcore gamer. I was fucking born to play games. Within a few months I was actually besting my dad at most of the 2 player games he had and soon he just gave me the system and every console game he owned -which numbered in the hundreds, literally I still have the giant box they were all in- and any time that I was stressed out or feeling down, I could just look forward to a video game to cheer me up.

There's another misconception. You'd never think that I was a gamer by looking at me. But that's because I don't show that part of me in public. At least not here in Ponyville where everypony is so old fashioned.

But anyway, back to the nurse's office, I walked in and the nurse smiled at me, she's such a nice lady. And I'd be seeing her in HIgh School as well. I think she just told everypony to call her 'mrs. P' or something. I don't know...

Anyway; it was time to take the dreaded medicine. Ugh I FUCKING HATED THAT SHIT! Have you ever taken ritalin? I remember that North Park episode where everypony got hooked on it and became emotionless drones and I can laugh extremely hard at that because that is EXACTLY what it did to me. But the taste... ugh... di-sgu-sting. I chewed the pills by the way, why? Because I had trouble swallowing pills at the time, I was always afraid that the pill would stick to the lining of my esophagus and I'd choke to death on it. Which almost happened a few times when the nurse convinced me to try it. So instead, my parents came up with the ingenius plan to have the pills put into yogurt that I could then chew.

The yogurt was supposed to block out the revolting taste of the pills. It didn't.

To this day I have issues with yogurt... bringing a spoonful to my mouth gives me post traumatic stress flashbacks to that vomit inducing taste, blech. So ya...

Anyway, lunch time rolled around and I found myself sitting next to Rainbow Dash. Although I was initially thrown for a loop at the whole, "oh hey I know you!" thing, we actually got along pretty well. We liked cartoons and anime and video games. And at the time those made up my entire life so if somepony else loved all of those things then I'd get along with them just fine!

We began spending an awful lot of time together; not that that was a bad thing, on the contrary it was very very nice. I liked having somepony that I could just... mingle with. I also had a coltfriend at this time; he was a very strange sort to be honest... weirdo... OK this'll sound weird but we had this thing where we'd pretend we were half demons and in love, you know like the anime Inuyasha? We pretended that we were the descendants of the characters who found one another again.

Yes I'm humiliated to admit that, go fuck yourself. Anyway, at the time it was more than just play, you know how foals minds are, you make up fictional worlds with stupid scenarios and fervently believe them to be your one and only truth.

Ya we broke up... it was kinda stupid actually, and random. But none of my friends liked him anyway, they thought he was weird, which he was. But so was I. But -and I know this is a dick thing to say- I didn't really need him anymore. I had friends now like Rainbow Dash and Dumbell and Snowlfake and Derpy.

Friends are so important. They keep you sane. And I don't mean that in the stereotypical way that most stories present it. They remind you that there infact ARE ponies you can talk to about your problems, even if you think they won't understand and ya, even if they actually don't understand one bit that's OK because it's not about them understanding or not. It's about getting it out there. Just talking to somepony and telling them about all of your fucked up problems because quite honestly; nopony can hold it all in. Not without bursting like a bubble anyway.

That's why ponies cry you know. It's not because they're sad. You can cry when you're happy or angry or depressed or even excited. Crying is just a way of letting it over flow. When we have too much stuff flying around in our heads, we need to cry to just get rid of the excess. It's very important that we do this... because... without crying...

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We'd break.

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So anyway, a couple days later the middle of the week came. Wednesday. And that was when Dash and I started to grow close. As friends mind you.

See, there was this after school program I think it was called foal's popz or something, it was nice. It was really just a place to round up all the fillies and colts who's parents worked late and couldn't walk or fly home themselves. But what I really liked was that it was a time for bonding. A time when all of the students of the school wound down and just... let go of the usual masks they wear each and every day to school. You know what I'm talking about, you've done it too most likely. To the students you see from day to day in the halls...

As i said, it was nice. Ya... nice... I remember they had this system of points based on behavior; I always made sure to follow every rule so that I could cash in a ton of points at the end of the month to earn pop, candy, and delicious yummies. Then *snicker* I'd get a deck of cards and bring everypony to a table and we'd all shuffle and deal. Then we'd play black jack using our candy and pop as wagers. Some of the best times of my life really. I got to meet and converse with ponies that I normally never talked to.

I also met Gilda there for the first time. I know she was a complete asshole when she came to Ponyville but she didn't always usd to be like that. She was actually a pretty cool griffon when she was younger. I liked her.

It was kinda our thing. Me, Dash, and Gilda. The three amigos who always got into trouble wherever we could find it. Would you believe that I got into trouble as a filly? OH MY GOSH! I just remembered the funniest fucking thing ever OK so Rainbow Dash, Dumbell, Gilda and Derpy were all having a sleep over at my house right? And *snicker* oh shit... oh geeze, OK so it started off simple enough.

I tried to scrounge up any food I could find which ended up consisting of a crap ton of ramen, a bunch of apples, pizza rolls, and some baggles. Not the most exquisite meal ever but it worked.

After gorging ourselves on the probably unhealthy meal *laugh* oh geeze... hold on I need to calm down... oh boy... OK so anyway, Gilda was entertaining us with a comedy routine which she was actually very skilled at before my mom yelled at us to shut up and go to bed. So we slunked down into the cloud basement.

And then... I'm not sure who suggested the idea but. Somepony suddenly got the impression that it'd be a good idea to pull a bunch of pranks on the Two Seasons.

OK so earlier that day Gilda had been lighting off a bunch of black cat fire crackers for entertainment when she found this weird Styrofoam orb in the basement; then she'd stuffed a bunch of black cats into them throughout the whole circumference. But couldn't find a use for it.

Well... we found one...

We snuck out through the window in the cloud basement and glided down to the outskirts of Ponyville. The first thing we did was decide to pull some minor pranks on the locals we didn't like. For my part, I brought us over to this one old stallion's house. I didn't like him because I was trying to mow lawns for some money and he'd refused me with quite a rude tone to his voice followed by glaring at me from the window as he watched me leave. Talk about a creeper.

So what did I do? Goaded on by my friend's inhibitions I... urinated on his carriage. WHAT?! He should've let me mow his lawn! Or at least been respectful when declining me! Well this is what he gets! Flutterpiss on his carriage door handle! Take that you creep!

My friend's decided that it'd be a good idea to copy my example and Dumbell urinated on the carriage as well while Rainbow Dash and Gilda pissed on his door; Dash made sure to aim for the door handle which Earth Ponies can only handle with their mouths.

Best. Friends. Ever.

So ya, we eventually made our way to the Two Seasons which was a series of apartments where Zebras from simoloa? Simaloea? What ever the hell it's called, stayed. As we approached we could already smell the weird oils that they covered themselves with.

I'll admit. I used to be very prejudice against Zebras from simo-whatever country. I don't like to think of myself as racist and I have no problem with Zebras in general, it's just the simo-whatever-ions, rubbed me the wrong way. And I wasn't alone in that endeavor.

"Hey Fucktards!" Dumbell yelled out to the apartments, "aaieeieie kalahoba dop! malchenacal hiney ho!"

The rest of us looked at him with confuzed expressions, "did you get high without me?" Gilda asked.

Dumbell scoffed, "I am merely speaking to them in their native tongue of retard-neese." he replied.

We all burst out laughing. Now a days I feel guilty over how inconsiderate I was but at the time, my stereotyping was palpable. Gilda lit the black cat on her Styrofoam of doom before chucking it at the apartments.

We all stood in the street giggling when they lit off with a series of pops... and the breaking of glass.

"OH SHIT!" Dumbell giggled out and the four of us high tailed it out of there.

Now here's the funny part.

For whatever reason, Gild was running on two leggs and for whatever reason; we were all in our pajamas. And for WHATEVER reason, Gilda's waist was far to lith for her pajamas which were unfortunately not tied.

The end result? her PJs fell down around her ankles and she fell face first into the ground.

The rest of us burst with laughter as we continued to run I mean come on! The now half naked Griffon got back up and two legs and started shuffling down the street as best she could with her PJs around her ankles yelling, "EEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH!" I almost peed myself.

We would have many adventures thereafter of course. Sleep overs that turned into sneaking out of the house and going around town at night. One time we were running around with ninja masks that Gilda showed us how to make form shirts -the secret is to put your head through as if you were putting it on normally and then let your head poke through the top, adjust it so only your face shows and then tie the shirt sleeves behind the back of your head. Then pull the botom section over your face and boom, instant ninja mask-

We grabbed improvisational weapons like bats and chains and went around back allies like we was ganstah or something. Gosh we were such retards. It was all in good fun though. Poor Derpy forced us to walk almost everywhere since she can't fly very well. You think she has trouble nowadays? Oh no, NOTHING compared to back then... it was almost laughable. So we just walked and talked about life and what not.

It offered a lot of bonding for us...

And then we stopped by Gilda's house. She has the most adorable little sister by the way. She pretended that it was her daughter and her mother kept giving her glares insisting that she was messing with us. That's when I found out that she's also a huge pot head; apparently a lot of ponies in Cloudsdale are on some kind of drugs. Not me though. 1: I don't like things that take away my free will like narcotics 2: I'd never be able to afford it. So with those two things in mind, I never had to worry about falling into the life of a druggie.

But middle school wasn't all sunshine's and smiles.

There was bad stuff. Silly stuff. And happy stuff.

The Bad stuff... let's get that out of the way before I change my mind on speaking of it. So one day I was walking through the halls of the middle school with all of my text books bound in my forehooves, I was fluttering along not really paying attention to my surroundings when I slammed into another filly.

Before I even knew what was happening, I was being held up by the scruff of my shirt by the filly's hooves. My senses came to and I realized somepony was picking a fight with me. I'd never encountered a situation like this before. Sure I'd been in fights as a tiny little elementary school-er but those were petty scuffles consisting of shoving matches which later just dissolved into unexpected friendships.

But this... I could see that this filly wanted to fight. I wanted her to let go of me, but as I said, I'd never been in this situation. Now a days if somepony tried to physically harm me I'd bash their fucking maw in with my skull. Course now a days I actually have the martial arts knowledge and fighting experience to back that up. Back then? No, I knew NOTHING about fighting. Even worse, I had no combat experience so... I froze... my body locked up. Everything except for my eyes. So I glared. I stared that bitch down for like... 15 seconds. I think she said something and I said something back but I don't remember the conversation.

What I do remember is that after a while she just put me down. And then we stared at each other for a while with leers. And then we just went our separate ways. I picked my stuff up; and then the principle walked through and asked me if I needed help. I froze up. But he didn't see anything that happened so... I was in the clear.

And then the next bad thing that happened... let's see... hmm... oh yes, there was that time in gym class. Dash was with me. We were in the weight room; we had to do that thing where you work out in one section, move to the next, work out for a while and move to the next.

Anyway, there was this other filly named Petunia, gosh I fucking hate her. Still do actually, and she'd continue to torment me through High School as well. Now a days there's really no animosity. She grew up and learned to quit acting like an immature bitch. But that doesn't erase the things she'd done. And it doesn't fix the desire I have to disect her with a meat cleaver.

Because that's the reality of the thing. Bullies, you don't just forget them, you don't just 'get over' them. They stick with you for life and you constantly run those situations around in your head about the times they picked on you and how you wanted to shove a pencil in their neck and watch the blood drain from their bodies. 'Cause that's what those fucking cunts deserve. They should die. They should all die and burn in hell for eternity. That's how most ponies feel about bullies. Because most ponies have suffered at the hooves of bullies in the past. And you know what? It goes beyond prodding. Some bullies are just plain cruel, sadistic even.

The ones I had were very minor in retrospect. All's they ever did was use words to get a rise out of me. Pretty fucking dumb thing to do. Why do you think all those school shootings and teenage serial killers happen? It's because of bullies. Because when you're pushed around like that you eventually get pushed to the precipice, and then, if you can't catch yourself as you fall well... you snap. And you want to see it all burn. It's filthy and shitty anyway, who cares if they die? The world will be better off without them right? That's the line of thinking that so many ponies hold. And it's perfectly rational from one perspective. And yet... what if you had a bad day? You were really grumpy and then you found that one stupid douche-bag who annoys the fuck out of you and you decide to pick on him? And then what if you enjoy it? Does that make you a bully? Do you deserve to die do?

Well... maybe that's why common ponies aren't trusted with the rights to make laws. 'Cause I know the first law I'd write: All bullies must be executed. That'd actually be a really really terrible law, it could be so massively abused. And it's just plain stupid.

You can't get rid of bullies. They're a part of life. And no matter how much you want to deny it, You're probably a bully to. Maybe not a major one, maybe just a tiny little minor one but odds are, at some point in your life you've enjoyed tormenting another pony. It's just part of our nature to release stress. And why bother dealing with your own problems when you can pour all of that anger out on somepony else and make them as miserable as you? Why do they deserve to be so fucking cheery all the time while you're border line suicidal?! Fuck that! Fuck them!

Anyway, the bully, right... so I don't remember the entire conversation it was so many years ago -funny how angry memories are so strong but un-detailed isn't it?- But I think she was poking fun at me for being a weak crybaby. I wanted to tell her that she could go fuck herself but that's not what I do. The normal mask I wear is Necessaryshy. And Necessaryshy doesn't make waves. She takes everything in quite stride, not talking back, not fighting... just bottles it all up inside.

Anyway, eventually those jibes switched from me to being directed at my mom. And I took exception to that.

It really got bad when she grabbed the weighted jump rope and began twirling it around in-front of her crotch saying something along the lines of, "oh I bet your mom can't wait to get a piece of this!"

It was such a retarded insult really, kinda pathetic. But when you're young, words and phrases don't need to be complex, they just need to hold emotion behind them. And this emotion was extremely mocking. Normally that doesn't bother me immediately as I said I usually just bottle everything up. But it was the fact that she included my mom very specifically in the insult that set me off. I love my mom more than anything and I don't tolerate that shit. I threw down the weights I was trying to lift and got right up in her face screaming, "say that again and I'll fucking kill you!" my lip quivered as I spoke too. And I meant it, I was only inches away from belting her across the face; the only thing holding me back was the desire to avoid getting in trouble.

"Woaaah, little psychoshy here!" she laughed out, but I saw her step back, maybe she saw how mentally unstable I looked and decided to back off a bit. I felt Rainbow Dash's hoof on my shoulder which calmed me somewhat...

But I was grumpy through the rest of that entire day. I couldn't focus on my school work, I couldn't get anything done, and I couldn't stop thinking about that stupid bitch. All's I could do was run scenarios through my mind where I said something whitty back to her; where I got back at her and told her to fuck off or even beat the snot out of her.

But no amount of thinking will change what was. I didn't care.

A couple other things like that happened every now and then but I soldiered on...

'Cause that's what we do. We soldier on.

Things got hectic after that.

And with all of these issues, how did I hang in there? Rainbow Dash. Dumbell, Derpy, Gilda, those were the reasons I didn't snap. Gilda made me laugh, Dumbell taught me how to stick up for myself, Derpy showed me it's OK to be weird and different. And Rainbow Dash... she was a mirror. A filly just as messed up as me. It was comforting to know that I wasn't a lone.

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It's comforting to know you're not alone.

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Rainbow Dash was a shoulder to cry on. You know, we became like sisters after a while. So close... so intimate. we shared everything with one another. We even watched porn together. I remember one time when I'd gone through a period of extreme horniness as my adolescent hormones raced, I tried to learn auto-fellatio, well, the female version anyway.

I'd told Rainbow Dash about it and we both spent like an hour in my room trying to reach our own cunts with our outstretched tongues, just to see if we could do it.

All that we ended up achieving was hurting our backs and not much else. But was nice to do something so weird like that with a friend who didn't judge you for it and in fact, joined in the insanity.

'Cause that's what friends do. They offer comfort. Friends... one of the most precious things in the world, more so than most of us realize. When's the last time you just... hung out with a friend? Face to face? Talking about whatever bizarre things you talk about privately away from curious and judgmental eyes. The secret things that you'd never want anypony else to overhear. When's the last time you sat down and had a pleasant conversation with a friend? Bonding with them intimately? And I don't mean just any friend, I'm talking about that SPECIAL friend whom you can do anything with and it never becomes awkward or weird?

Friends... don't ever try to soldier on without them.

Well; I'm really tired so I'm going to turn in for tonight. I said that I'd get to the juicy parts with Dash and I didn't I? Sorry, you'll have to wait until tomorrow for that part of the story. But... it's also the... 'bad' part of the story... filled with the most pain... and the day when I looked at a blade and contemplated draging it across my wrist. So much can happen in a year... my 15th and 16th years... those two were the darkest and brightest of my life. Filled with the most pain and the most emotional growth.

Well, I'll get to those years tomorrow, I can barely keep my eyes open right now so... good night I guess.

So this is me. Fluttershy. Soldiering on.

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	3. Broken Relationships

Chapter three, Broken Relationships

-Relationships, love, friendship, family. Our lives revolve around most of our relationships. Or we could completely exodize ourselves from most relationships altogether. Relationships shape us, our experiences and memories make up who we are. And what affects our experiences more than relationships?- excerpt from the secret book of Bemnal the Fallen

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Hello, Fluttershy here. So, years 15 and 16... right... where to begin... well; I suppose this was the start of my personal revolution. The age when I began to come to terms with my sexual orientation. I'd never had a marefriend before, I'd fantasized about sex with another filly sure but I've never genuinely dated one. I've had a few coltfriends but never anything serious.

But then came that rebellious time in my life, throughout my 15th year I was such a prick; to everypony, I don't really know why. I remember the first day. What marked it all. I was feeling really pissed off, my mom and dad got into another argument; their fights had become ever more frequent over the years and I'd spent nights lying awake listening to them shouting at each other.

So what did I do? I bought some hair dye with my allowance that's what I did. I mixed in black with tinfoil protecting various parts of my mane until I was left with the end result of a black and pink stripped mane. I think it looked pretty sexy myself. My mom just sort of gave me a sad frown while my dad laughed his ass off. Things went like that for a whole year until I was sixteen.

Anyway, I found this one chatting website, you know, the ones where you make an avatar that walks around in a virtual world and you can type to other ponies in a chatroom? Ya so I got into the habit of using one of these sites. And it was within this site that I first met Berry Punch. Now at the time we had no idea who the other was but... well...

OK let me start by giving some background information. I've never considered outright dating a mare before but after some videos that Gilda had showed me, some comedy things using video game characters they had this one attractive mare character with a male personality and voice acting and well.. that got me thinking about that kind of stuff... you know... experimenting...

So I spent a few nights fantasizing while clopping and found that I actually thought mare on mare was pretty hot. Course I was extremely nervous about it and very very picky. I felt scared about something like this, and if I were to be in any such relationship I wanted to be in complete control of it so that I would feel safe.

And thusly I met Berry online in the chat room. Or rather, I met Stikykittee!2 and I took to just calling her 'my kitty' it was pretty ridiculous I know but at the time it seemed like there wasn't anything particularly wrong with it. I had an avi of a black Unicorn with a silvery mane and Berry had a white yellow coated Earth Pony with a rainbow colored mane showcasing gay pride.

She was pretty open about it actually. We began talking about normal stuff at first, video games, anime, cartoons, philosophies of life. We got along extremely well. Eventually we got to talking about our sexual orientations. I pretended like I had plenty of experience with mares; Berry said that she did too except it didn't feel like a lie. We went into those private chat rooms with each other and started having cyber sex.

It was then that I discovered Berry's really into bondage and BDSM, so I became her master; she always wore kitty ears and a tale and obediently did what her mistress told her. I think this is where my perverted mind escalated, we kept bouncing ideas off each other of new scenarios for role play and new ways that we could have sex.

Every day I thought up more ways to be romantic and seductive; I wanted to impress her as much as I could, I don't know why. Eventually after half a year we went though just about every single sex scenario I could think of. And with how perverted my mind is, that's saying something.

Everything was going pretty well for a while... then things got hairy... she had to go away for a while, something about a trip with her grandfather. So I went surfing the site for another mare, just to keep me busy while stikykittee!2 was gone. And then I met Bunn9karot who I later found out was Golden Harvest, or Carrot Top as some ponies call her.

Anyway, we got to talking... then to flirting... and then we ended up in a virtual house... and cybered... and then she remarked about how she'd never had a committed relationship that hadn't gone south and that if such a thing were to happen again she didn't know how she'd deal with it.

Well... now who's the asshole? I swelled with guilt even though it was obviously just selfish ploy of a clingy mare. But at the time I totally fell for it. I revealed the truth about how I'd never intended for this to be serious.

And then I broke down, I started typing forth all of my conflicting emotions and spazing out with the caps lock button. She told me to calm down and brought my avi to another virtual house saying that she comes here whenever she's stressed. In Hines sight it seemed like such a retarded concept but you know how teenagers are.

And then she 'gave me a massage' even though we were miles away from each other in front of a computer; it was the thought that counted though. The idea that she wanted to comfort me even after I'd used her.

I couldn't just leave her in the dust. So I made a proposition. A triangle relationship.

Carrot seemed excited at the prospect and when Berry finally came back I pitched the idea to her alongside Carrot; Berry's avi walked up to Carrots, it seemed so dramatic at the time, like she was sizing her up and I laugh at the seriousness we all put into the situation but it was serious. At the time, being the young idiots that we were, it was serious. Very.

Berry smiled, or typed that she smiled anyway, and accepted Carrot.

And so I now had two pets, my kitty and my bunny.

That lasted for quite a while actually; aaaaaand then I got into religion. It was pretty heavy too. I don't know; i'd been freaking out about everything that happened to me as a foal with my sister and I was thinking... just thinking... and comprehending... and thinking that my fucked up state of mind was her fault. I felt so much fire in my hatred for her and disgust at myself. That was the first time I began thinking about suicide. Never attempted it though, just thought about it. And then I realized that I was thinking about it and started spazing out, I reverted to a curled up sniveling ball of sobs and snot.

My mom was frantic with worry and eventually I wound up dedicating myself very strongly to religion. Now here's the unfortunate thing. See, there's two bibles of the Celestia Convocation, that's the predominant religion in Equestria, one was written thousands of years ago by Celestia and Luna when they were very young. It's the old school prejudice bigoted bible. And then there's the second one written about one and a half thousand years ago by Celestia and Luna as mature rulers, this new one is full of acceptance, love, friendship and embracing all ponies regardless of race, creed, gender, age, or sexual orientation. Unfortunately, ponies had a hard time letting go of old traditions.

I'd say that about 70 percent of Equestrians still follow the old bible while the other 30 percent follows the new one. The old bible is of the Celestial Convocation religion while the new one is of the Celestial Embrace religion which is categorized as a protestant sub religion of the Celestia Convocation. There's quite a few other Celestial sub religions and cults, most of them fit under protestant sub religion while others are non denominational.

Anyway, the religion I was raised on was the old school Convocation. And during my crisis, I fell back on the most primal of pony mental blocks, faith. My strongest faith fell within my religion. Now as you can imagine, this had a rather big effect on my life. Mainly it affected my views towards relationships. I decided to give up sex (ha! As if that would last long) clopping, and homosexuality.

The clopping was difficult at first but after a while it wasn't so bad, it's like, the less you do it the less you want to do it where as the more you do it the more you want to ya know? Like, at first I was thinking 'oh no, I can't go a single day without touching my pussy!' but after a few weeks I'd go to bed and just didn't feel like I had the energy for it.

But the homosexuality... that was hard. Especially because I had a relationship with two lovely fillies. The news didn't go over well. Berry was trying to convince me not to fall for the mainstream bigot's bullshit pitches of intolerance but the words fell on deaf ears. Carrot was silent about the whole thing... I told them both that I wished them the best and that I hope they one day see Celestia's light and change their ways cause I didn't want them to go to tartaurus. I actually said that. I actually typed those words. And meant them.

I've never stopped hating myself for saying those stupid gods damn fucking words. When ever I hear somepony else say that line I wanna knock their teeth out.

But what was done was done...

That was during the late spring. Summer was coming up soon. I started a relationship with this cute colt who goes to the Ponyville park a lot. His name is Caramel. We used to sit out on the bench at the park every day back when I was in my middle school days. We became extremely close friends. He was one of those ponies that I just clicked with you know? It was like with Rainbow Dash. We just got along. I eventually found out that Caramel was sexually abused by his uncle when he was a lot younger. As shocked or sad as most ponies might have been, I was actually a little happy. Not happy that that had happened to him, happy that we had such a big thing in common. We were both molested at a very young age. By this point in my life I was convinced that my fucked up nature was due to my sister so I thought that Caramel would be just as weird but cool. And I was right.

Anyways, it was just about summer time that I kinda eased out of my 'religious faze' not that I gave up on it, I was still very religious and still am, but I dropped a lot of the bible thumper asshole habits.

And thus, I started to slip back into my 'gay faze' not majorly though, I didn't go searching for a fillyfriend or anything, I just started acting more masculine and kind of showcasing that I play for the other team.

And you know how colts just love hanging out with fillyfoolers for some reason. So I wound up spending a lot of time with my guy friends and with Caramel. And while we were walking across a lake he made an off comment about how if I was straight he'd totally date me. Now let me get something straight; I have a very hard time dealing with flirting. As in, recieving flirting. I'm not good at thinking rationally during those situations and I think I feel so flattered that I act without thinking and before I knew it, I was apparently bisexual and now dating my foalhood friend Caramel!

And thus began the bumpy relationship with Caramel. Thing's went well enough for a while I suppose... Then came the day that I lost my virginity. Legitimately I mean. I remember it well, we managed to convince both our parents to let me sleep over saying that there was no problem with it since you know, I'm a fillyfooler as far as everypony else knows.

And then came the night, I was so excited about it, I'd been cloping every night up to the weekend, I felt a little guilty at first as if I was tarnishing my record of resisting the temptation to clop and making Celestia angry with me; but I got over it. Still prayed every night asking for forgiveness but I got over it. Anyway, then came the night of the weekend.

I was sitting there meeting his family and it was most definitely awkward. I mean... "oh hi, I'm gay but not really, I'm just saying that so that you don't suspect I'm going to fuck your son's brains out, nice to meet you by the way!"

Ya...

The air was thick... mostly because Caramel's mom's coltfriend apparently has an issue with coltcudlers and fillyfoolers. Looking back on it; that was the entire reason that the family was quiet throughout the whole meeting. It was particularly funny since Caramel's mom used to fool around with a bunch of mares when she was younger.

Caramel has two little sisters by the way, both are very hyper and funny. Caramel's convinced that the yongest is gay or at least that she's gonna grow up to be gay at any rate. Evidently he, his mom, and his grandfather all joke about it. His grandfather's awesome actually. Usually he lives with him in Ponyville. Really nice guy.

Anyway, right now we were in Trottingham where his mom and her coltfriend lives, ya I guess his dad left the family quite a few years ago. Glad that hasn't happened to my own family... yet... I didn't wanna think about that but let's be honest, the fights were getting ever more frequent and it's really only a matter of time.

Anyway, nighttime. So ya. We were both downstairs in the furnished basement. And then I began to feel nervous. My chest tightened up as my heart raced; I mean. I'd never had straight up sex before. The thing with my sister was different, we were eating each other out and the relationship was unique. But this... this was... real... I guess... I mean, I'm here... about to have sex with my colt friend... this is happening... this is REALLY happening!

He calmed me down with a few nuzzles which helped quite a bit, we set up two couches next to each other with the sitting portions facing one another making an improvisational bed.

We sat on it... awkwardness began to set in... he leaned over to a nearby desk and turned on the radio.

"Oh, mood music." I quipped with a nervous laugh. He didn't respond. Probably because that was a stupid fucking thing to say. And I immediately felt stupid for saying it.

We sat on opposite sides of the bed with our gazes shifting around nervously at everything. Anything except each other.

Ya... talk about awkward...

The radio music played on, I wanted to proceed so badly but I didn't know how. How do you proceed in a situation like this? Seriously... UGH! I scooted forward, Caramel seemed surprised that I made the first move, but somepony had to do it. So I inched forward and kissed him. We'd kissed plenty of times in the past, hell, we straight up tried to eat each other's face.

So ya... sex time... right... let's go!... ya...

"Maybe... like... I can suck you and you eat me?" I suggested with the biggest blush I've ever had in my life.

Caramel nodded as he tried to hide his face with his mane much like I myself do regularly; my mane was still black and pink, I'd decided to stick with that as a permanent color for my teen years, it really worked for me after all. Anyway I guided him onto his back with my hooves; I wanted to do him first so that I would go last, I think it was 'cause I'm usually very tired after reaching orgasm so I kinda wanted him to get his fill first so that after he pleasured me we'd be even and cold fall asleep afterwards.

So anyway, he spread his legs and oh my gosh he looked so adorable! His forelegs were curled and rubbing each other nervously while he looked away blushing and his spread legs showcasing his twitching cock to the world. I actually felt my mouth watering and had to lick my lips a few times before diving in.

At first I opened my mouth around the tip and gently glided my teeth around the flat head before ticking out my tongue and lapping it around the phallus, licking it like an ice cream cone. Already I could feel my wings spreading and a familiar warmth invading my nether region, I was really getting off on this.

Finally I couldn't take in any more, I had like this need for my mouth to just be filled with his horse dick, so I did just that. I opened my mouth wide and engulfed his member earning me an adorable squeak and a series of twitches from his stallion-hood; the feeling of it jerking around as it throbbed and twitched only furthered my excitement; I couldn't help but bring a hoof down to my vagina and mash it around, I mean, this was fucking hot!

I really had no idea what I was doing, I'd fantasized about it pleasant of times and worked out the things I'd want to do but all that was forgotten with my sheer enthusiasm, my tongue pressed hard against the underside of his dick forcing it against the roof of my mouth while my tongue grinded around the sensitive underside of his cock in circles.

I could hear soft moans like "ohhh ya..." and "fuck Fluttershy..." and "nnnngh." soon he was bucking up into my mouth, I could feel the tip of his member poke the back of my throat each time which only made me shake with pleasure; my hoof was on autopilot now as it frantically ravaged my pussy; I was making all kinds of lewd gurgling noises as my spit dribbled around his meat; I could only fit about two thirds of it in which was pretty sizable since a portion of it was covered by the sheath.

I slurped up the dribble as I continued to suck and suck. Why do they call it a blow job anyway? There's no blowing involved here, just sucking. Ah well.

I suddenly felt him frantically tapping my head; my ear twitched at the motion and I lifted off of his dick with an audible pop sounding at the point of my lips leaving the head of his dick. That kinda made me said, I immediately missed the feeling of that cock head in my mouth.

But he looked towards the staircase in panic; I turned to see the shadow of a pony beginning to descend the stairs so I immediately jumped under the blankets next to Caramel who covered himself up. We both put on the sleeping act as his mom entered into the basement space.

I couldn't help but swirl the pre-cum in my mouth, it tasted very salty and I wanted more.

Caramel's mom stood in front of the improve bed, "Caramel?" She sounded annoyed.

Oh gods... I hope we weren't too loud... oh I could feel myself dying of embarrassment right then and there. I wanted to shrink into the blankets and disappear; I was doubly embarrassed because my stupid pussy was still tingling wth excitement and my fucking hoof was soaked with my juices.

Caramel poked his head out from the covers, but to his credit he look d like he'd legitimately just woken up, "huh?" he asked in an extremely drowsy voice; oh... he's good...

"Why are you two sleeping in the same bed?" his mom asked, her voice still brimming with agitation.

I gulped.

Caramel mumbled before speaking, "I just thought it'd be easier." he rubbed his face; wow, still sticking with that 'i was sleeping' ruse. Well, points for devotion I guess.

"There's not a lot of beds down here ya know." he quipped.

His mom looked skyward and shook her head, "we have air mattresses you know."

Now I felt disappointed, was she gonna make us blow one up and have me sleep on it? I didn't even get my turn for pleasure! Da fuq?!

Caramel groaned, "well, it's like too late anyway." he dropped back into the sheets and seemingly passing out in his drowzy state.

His mom gave a huff of exasperation before heading upstairs.

After a few silent moments we both popped out of the covers laughing, "OK... ya... we gotta watch out for her." Caramel commented, "so I'll just tap you if I see her coming down OK?"

I nodded before rolling back over to my previous position post haste.

"Whoa, somepony's eaGER!" his voice cut off into a squeak as I hilted him in my mouth, this time I tried to swallow his dick and felt it prod a little further in the back of my throat, Oh geeze I wanted him to cum so bad, I wanted that jizz to fill my mouth up; I was salivating profusely as I fellated him as if my life depended on it; Caramel was a heaping mass of drool with his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth and eyes half lidded as he fucked my face.

I don't know why but I had the urge to be called a dirty filly; my mouth was currently occupied however so I settled for a conversation in my mind, 'ya you like sucking horse cock don't you you little fucking slut?' 'mmhmm!' I responded to the non existent voice, the mental dirty talk only increased my horny attitude and I began slamming my mouth up and down on Caramel's dick until he squeeked out, "Flutters.. i-I'm gonna..." I felt his dick throb particularly hard, I pulled away just enough so that the tip wasn't down my throat and instead it was inside my mouth.

I felt him bust his load in my mouth. I don't know what I was expecting.. maybe a giant ridiculous spurt like in the hentai videos. But real dicks don't do that; I felt the pressure of the hot liquid shoot into my mouth. It must have spurted like... four times? The dick throbbed particularly hard with each spurt; the total amount of jizz wasn't all that much actually, certainly not enough to spill out around his dick or require me to swallow.

And then the stuff hit my tongue and suddenly I felt like a dissatisfied customer who'd suffered false advertisement. The precum was delicious, salty like if you sucked on a peanut shell and the salt got mixed in with your saliva and you then had a salty liquid in your mouth. That's what it tasted like and I liked it a lot. The actual product that he shot out though? Naaaaasssttttyyyyy! Ugh, the only word I could use would be revolting, it reminded me of those vitamino's cereal that nopony's ever heard of, they used to serve it in those tiny square plastic bins at the elementary school I went to. I thought I was better than everypony by choosing the healthy cereal. It tasted nasty. And Caramel's semen tasted EXACTLY like them. Does that mean it's full of vitamins?

*snicker* oh fuck you, that's funny. I don't care if it's gross that's hilarious; Try our new product! Cum in your mouth! Full of 15 healthy vitamins that are just stupendous for the body! Remember mares, swallow not spits and soon you'll be practically glowing!

...

...

...

So anyway, I started to pull away, I was a now agitated at the foul taste and pissed off that his load didn't overflow in my mouth like I was expecting. Stupid hentai videos and their unrealistic sex scenes... So ya, I tried to compensate by pulling my face away slowly, the light in front of the front door at the top of the stairs was the only light we had, casting a soft glow over the area, it was pretty nice actually.

So I forced the sperm to the front of my mouth and made some of it ooze out between my lips and the outer edges of his dick to give the appearance that it was overflowing; he watched in memorized fascination, I guess he liked the show.

So then I pulled away completely and spat out the rest of that nasty ass stuff, I wiped my face and made a series of 'blech' sounds.

"Not that good huh?" Caramel chuckled.

I glared at him in a mocking fashion, "no!" I yelled in false anger and puffed out my cheeks in what I assumed was an adorable fashion.

He laughed.

Then we switched positions, I scuttled across the bed and he shuffled to my previous position. Now I was lying on my back, he dug his face in between my spread legs. Any awkwardness and hesitation was completely dissolved as we now confidently proceeded. Funny, after just one little blowjob, sex seemed like the most casual thing in the world, like it's an ice breaker or something...

So I lay confidently and comfortably on my back with my head resting against the back of the improve bed, I looked up towards the stairway as it was now my turn to keep watch. And then I felt it, oh that wonderful feeling of having somepony's face buried in my crotch.

It felt just like my sister. OK that's fucking weird out of context, I meant as in it didn't feel half assed; one thing I'll give my sister, she is VERY talented at eating a mare out and had passed those skills onto me, and I could tell by the enthusiasm and skill that Caramel was showcasing, he'd done this before. And apparently learned quite a lot. He was doing everything I'd do to me if I were in his position and I have to give comendments to him for that.

It's hard to eat a pussy out just right, it's easy to get it wrong. Lick the same spot over and over, pay too much or too little attention to the clit, forget to combine licking with suckling and tongue prodding. It's kind of a delicate art that's wrapped up in ferocity.

I think it's easier for mares to eat other mares out, I mean, we have a vagina, we know what would feel good down there so we could just imagine 'hmm, what would I want her to do to me?' and then you just project that out onto the mare's pussy.

But for guys who don't even have a vagina, they have nothing to go on; they're going by sheer trial and error. So I guess either Caramel's just got natural talent or he's eaten a lot of mares out before me. That didn't surprise me though, Caramel's hot, and has a magnetic personality, I'm betting he's had at least a dozen past relationships. I later found out that yes he had and with both genders too.

Anyway, so he was eating me out, it's weird but I can't really describe what he did in too much detail; I can't see his tongue from the angle I was at so all I had to go on was pure feeling, and all I was really feeling was just pleasure, not specific targeted areas of my vagina though, just general pleasure, I mean, I vaguely could register tiny little senses of physical tongue around the rim of my pussy and occasionally I think he dipped his tongue inside but I'm not too positive on that note.

All's I know is that it didn't take long for my first orgasm. And within a minute or so I was onto my second. That's the cool thing about having a vagina, when mares orgasm they've still got fight left in them to go again and again and again and again. I once tried to see how many times I could cum in one session; after like.. 9 orgasms my hooves got really sore so I just stopped but I think I could have kept going if I had the means to do so.

Anyway, he ate me out, I liked it, and I think I came like three times before I wrapped my hind legs around his head. It felt all fuzy and comfy; I got a strange nostalgic feeling of being a little filly with my teddie bear clenched between my hind legs pretending it was eating me out. And now here we are! And I actually AM being eaten out! And I looooooved it! *giggle*

So then I looked down and saw his muzzle drenched in my juices and that just got me even more turned on, I saw his cute ears twitching and I licked my lips, I pressed my forehooves into the back of his head and forced it into my crotch. And holy fucking shit I was NOT prepared for the pain that followed. See, his maw was actually inserted into my vagina and it popped my cherry and FUCK MY LIFE THAT GODS DAMN HURT!

I recovered quickly though as I felt his tongue dart out. I don't know if it actually darted out or not but I was feeling like a pleasure ring deep inside my cervix and I assume that was his tongue spinning in circles around my inner tube.

I wonder if he tasted the blood?

If he did he evidently didn't react to it right away. I put my all into this next orgasm, practically crushing his head with my hind legs as my forehooves shoved none to gently against the back of his head; at the time I wasn't exactly concerned about whether or not he could breath, and my mane fell back against the the bed sheets sprawling out and filled with sweat.

That last climax made me rumble, I felt my womb, vagina, anus, that entire section of my body jiggle. And like that it was over.

I finally released him and he pulled his maw out of my pussy with a suction cup noise which almost made me wanna laugh. His face didn't make me laugh though, it was covered in blood.

Actually it kinda made me a little excited. Oh ya, I later discovered through soul searching that I have a blood fetish with sex. Anyway, he wiped his mouth and grinned a big stupid grin, probably feeling so proud of himself that he made his marefriend cum.

"How was it?" I asked with a snicker.

"Sour." he answered; fair enough. My sister tasted pretty sour down there. I wonder if that's universal? I don't remember too well 'cause it was so long ago now but ya... i'm pretty sure it was somewhere along the lines of sour.

"Hmm." I answered back. Not much else to say is there?

But we weren't done yet.

Caramel gulped nervously, "Um... I wanna try something..."

Now how should I react to that?

"..."

"..."

Evidently I react with an awkward silence. He and I stared at each other for several moments; funny how the blissful afterglow of sex can be so readily destroyed. Stupid Caramel... he's lucky he's cute.

"Go on." I found myself urging.

Caramel bit his lip before ducking under the makeshift bed and pulling out something that I certainly didn't expect. A strap on of all things.

My eyes widened and I honestly found myself intrigued; I would be lying if I said I hadn't fantasized about fucking a guy in the ass. so naturally I nodded the affirmative when he asked if I'd be willing to rut him like a bitch in heat.

So I slapped the thing on while he bent over and poked that sexy rump in the air for me to climb on top of. I clambered over him and popped that sucker in. I couldn't really feel what the phallus was feeling but the double end inside me jiggled around the edges of my already sensitive areas made up for it.

He whimpered at first as the tip refused to enter, I thought that maybe something was wrong until he glared back at me, "ya have to lube it up!" he snapped as if it were common sense. Which I suppose it was, but hey, I've never done anything like this before, give me a break!

"Uh... with what?" I asked in embarrassment.

"Suck on it, duh?" he replied.

"...It touched your anus already, I'm not putting it in my mouth." I said with a deadpan. Kind of weird when you think about it, how is a dick any less dirty? Left over dried piss, germs from your hoof when you clop, dried cum forming bacteria colonies; and all the while the hot air filled temperature around your crotch and inside your dick sheath provides the perfect atmosphere. And yet the anus was still a dirtier place in my mind. Weird.

Caramel groaned before turning around and planting his mouth onto it himself. I was stunned in pure shock. After some lewd sucking noises and an uncomfortable antsy feeling in my crotch form the opposed end of the strap on, he re-assumed the position. Heh heh... assume the position! Heh... assume... that's a silly word. Right, distraction, sorry.

So I prodded his entrance once more and this time I managed to plop a few inches in eliciting a sharp gasp of pain from him, "easy!" he whined, "take it slow! Geeze, don't break me."

I snickered at that, and I don't feel guilty about it.

After easing my way in at a much more leisurely pace, I began slowly thrusting in and out in what I assumed was a standard procedure or at least I hoped it was. It was kinda pleasurable on my end but not particularly so.

After a while he stuck his hoof down to his stallionhood and began jerking himself while I leaned over completely on top of him and hugged my forelegs around his chest. I felt so comfortable in this position, not to mention aroused; I gently bucked into him while he mewled adorably underneath me, at this point I felt more like I was getting off from my own excitement rather than actual pleasure.

Eventually he came and collapse flat onto the bed causing my hips to slid off and the strap on to slide out. It wasn't great but it was good. I didn't actually orgasm at any point but it was fun and I enjoyed it, just wasn't quite enough stimulation on my end to climax, oh well I was tired anyway, I detached the device and slid it underneath the couch-bed before snuggling up to Caramel under the covers.

I was genuinely happy at that moment, cuddling there with my sexy coltfriend, we fit very well in each other's arms; our physical shapes matching pleasantly as we dozed off. I was very content then... holding my own personal coltfriend, my special somepony who I could have fun special times with...

Night turned into day, we ended up back at his grandpa's house in Ponyville. I slept over there as well, we had sex in his grandpa's room which was soooooo awkward for me but I ignored my own discomfort for Caramel's sake, he didn't have any condoms so we just stuck to oral which I was OK with. We played around the next morning but it wasn't much more than foreplay and hoof jobs; oh here's a quandary, why do guys suck at hoofing mares? I mean, they complain about mares being terrible at jerking a guy but do they realize how horrible they are at playing with a mare's vagina?

Anyway, our relationship continued fairly well for about three weeks.

I kept bumping into Lucky on the street when I'd wonder aimlessly through Ponyville to meet with Caramel. I'd known him since I was little though not directly, I used to hang out with his little sister until she moved away. But I'd never really got to know Lucky all that well. He was definitely an odd ball; from what I remember of him he had a bunch of strange books and candles in his room.

I later found out that he's a Wican so I guess that explains a lot.

Rainbow Dash suggested that she, I, Lucky, and a few others get together at the community pool in Ponyville; I really like swimming so I readily agreed. We had a lot of fun there, but while there I got to talking to Lucky, I also saw him in swimming trunks which is weird since ponies don't normally wear clothes but yet we all have swim suits... anyway, I couldn't help but notice how attractive he'd grown over the years; he was about... two years older than me I think; anyway, we talked for a bit in floating inner tubes.

We talked about life, this and that and what not. Things somehow turned to him hitting on me, or at least saying that I looked hot; I commented back that he wasn't half bad himself. He joked about how he wishes he'd asked me out a long time ago. I don't know why but... I suggested that he still could. And you know the strangest thing about it? Not once did I think about Caramel through the whole conversation. So before I knew it, I had a second coltfriend. After the pool we both found an excuse to discretely make our way out towards the bike trail. We managed to find our way to his house, his parents were apparently too busy getting high on who knows what to notice us enter the complex and make our way downstairs into the basement.

That was the first time I'd ever tried a '69' I honestly prefer just taking turns, 69ing forces you to divide your attention between your own pleasure and that of your partner, it's just not very efficient. Plus he wasn't nearly as talented as Caramel and tongue fucking. And I don't like that angle for sucking a stallion off quite honestly.

It wasn't until afterwards that I let slip that I was currently in a relationship with Caramel. He didn't seem to mind too much saying that 'being tied down' was stupid. At the time I was inclined to highly agree with that sentiment although now a days I would never even consider multiple partners in a relationship. Relationships are complex enough as is you know?

Anyway, time passed, a few days later I was hanging out with Caramel when the guilt was ripping me apart; I didn't seem to care in the pool or when I was trying to swallow Lucky's dick but when I was actually physically near Caramel the full ramifications of what I'd done hit me like a ton of bricks. I spilled everything.

Caramel shrugged, "I don't care if you date others, it's not like I own you or anything." he said.

I blinked... did I hear that correctly?

Well hay, if neither of them had a problem with it then I wasn't going to complain about the situation.

But of course, things are rarely so simple. I pretended like it was OK. It wasn't. Of course it wasn't. How could it be?

Caramel and I began hanging out less and less. I rarely saw much of Lucky. Sometimes all three of us would hang out as friends, the two got along pretty well. I entertained the fantasy of a hot threesome with some sexy sloppy colt and colt action but Caramel popped a needle in that balloon all quick like, "I like him but I just can't see us doing anything sexual." well... shit...

I bought some more hair dye for my mane as the black stripes were beginning to fade. After the application I went down to Ponyville headed for the library when I bumped into Lucky. We laughed and talked. We got around to flirting and suddenly we were headed for his house with dirty intentions in mind. Unfortunately fate has a way of pissing on your parade and decided to fuck us instead of letting us fuck each other by having his house doors locked and he happened to forget his keys inside.

We spent like an hour looking for unlocked windows, hidden keys under mats and what not but we never found anything. It really sucked because we were in fall and it was kinda getting chilly out. Thanks to genetics I was fine being a Pegasus but I could see Lucky starting to shiver as he hand't dressed for the weather. He had an idea about going into the tool shed but the musty smell and unappealing visage of hanging shovels and lawn mowers wasn't exactly a turn on; the mixture of frustration and cold made it impossible for Lucky to get a hard on and I didn't really feel like stuffing my face in his sheath just to get his dick out while laying on uncomfortable splinter filled wood.

He felt like crap when we decided to just screw the whole thing and leave; I could see the guilt on his face mixed with shame, I don't know why he was taking it so hard, I mean, ya it's kinda annoying to get excited about sex only for the prospect to be ruined by unfortunate circumstances but what can you do?

I offered him a smile, "wanna go bug Derpy?" he managed smiled back at that.

So weeks passed. Things stayed somewhat awkward between me and Lucky, they never were really 'normal' particularly because we had such different philosophies; he liked to gamble and take his chances, I liked to play it safe. He was Wican and I was Celestial Convocate, that was perhaps the biggest issue, he had major problems with the church and ranted about witch turnings and how much of an asshole the church was and how the priests are all just foalfiddlers and use the donation money for themselves.

I was pretty pissed off when he'd go on like this, I'd always keep silent on my own opinions like Necessaryshy always does but I was not a happy camper. One time me, Lucky, and Caramel were all walking along when we passed by a church and he made the 'up yours' sign with his forehooves which kinda set me off in my head but again, I kept quiet I seem to be good at that and keeping everything bottled up inside.

But it wasn't just that, Lucky's an asshole; he really is. He likes to push his luck and just speak his mind openly, like, to the point that he blatantly offends other pone's beliefs and personal views, he outright insults ponies and doesn't give a shit about how much he hurts them.

Eventually our relationship just kinda dissolved as we saw less and less of each other. We never officially broke up, hay, I don't even know if we were really together.

Caramel seemed distant. Like, VERY distant; not sure what the issue was, I wasn't dating Lucky anymore so what was the problem? I don't even remember what happened but somehow we got into an argument and broke up. He started dating Marmalade, or Peach Preserves or whatever the fuck her name is, for a while while I stewed over once again fucking up a triangle relationship.

Why do they call them triangle relationships anyway? With Carrot Top and Berry Punch it was a mutual thing, all three of us were attracted to the other two. But with Lucky and Caramel I was attracted to the two and each of them were attracted solely to me but not each other.

Ugh, anyway, life dredged on, I had like four teeth pulled because they weren't falling out fast enough I guess, I damn near pissed myself on the way to the dentist and wished they'd just knocked me out. Instead they shot my gums with Novocaine and I stayed conscious and alert through the entire ordeal. Horrifying... just... horrifying... the pain was least of my problems, it was the psychological trauma of feeling the metal pressed against my tooth, I was afraid that it would slip off and hit the back of my throat ripping it open or something.

Seriously that was a legitimate fear I had.

Anyway, I was staying at my cousin's for a while in Ponyville when I got a knock at the door. I opened it to see Caramel of all ponies. I invited him in. Even if we weren't together we were still friends; usually that saying is bullshit but Caramel and I just cliqued in that special way that no matter what happened between us we'd always be close.

We talked and hung out in the basement. My cousin was off hanging out with his friends while my uncle was upstairs doing who knows what on the computer. Somewhere in our conversation we turned towards his past relationships where I found out that he and Marmalade had broken up. I wanted to laugh in victory in a sort of possessive 'if I can't have him nopony can' way but I couldn't bring myself to be that much of a bitch.

We talked for a while longer. We sat on the couch watching TV for a while. I scooted close. He didn't seem to mind. I snuggled up to him. He nuzzled me.

And within seconds we went from 'hi how are you' to 'i missed you so much' make-up-sex.

Yum, I got to have some of that sexy cock in my mouth again. And then he slurped my pussy like there was no tomorrow. We had to be quiet though since catching my uncle's attention probably wasn't ideal given our current situation. During which we role played a brother and sister scenario which heavily turned me on.

Afterwards we were cuddling when there was a knock at the door.

We both headed up the stairs and answered it, and guess who the fuck it was! Lucky.

I stared blankly at him with surprise and confusion as to why he was here. I then turned back to Caramel. And then to Lucky. And back. And then the gravity of the current situation hit me like a ton of bricks. Oh gods... I hope Caramel doesn't think that I got back with Lucky or that Lucky thinks we're still together just 'cause we didn't officially break up.

I immediately felt very awkward and very uncomfortable. I hit behind my mane letting out a small 'meep' while the two colts stared blankly at one another.

I'm sure there was some kind of subliminal conversation at hoof but at the moment I didn't particularly care, I just wished somepony could just shoot me. Eventually Lucky shook his head, "hey guys, long time no see."

Long time indeed.

Caramel gave a nervous laugh, "ya, so, what'cha up to?" "not much I guess..." "that's cool..." "ya..." "mhm..." "well I guess it was nice to see ya, gotta run."

And then Lucky left.

I stood petrified like a statue at the doorway thinking 'what just happened.'

Then Caramel spoke up, "hey uh... I gotta get going too so... see ya later." and then he just left.

I shut the door after several blank and uncomfortable minutes. "... what... the fuck... just happened..."

Well, THAT could have gone better.

I didn't wanna think about his any longer so I just went downstairs to watch TV.

A couple weeks passed, Caramel broke up with me -again- something about me wanting more of a brother sister relationship instead of a coltfriend marefriend relationship. Why? Just because we role play a lot? Although I did take it pretty far I guess.

So ya, we broke up. And I was pissed -again- and felt stupid for believing in love -again-. I didn't talk to Caramel or Lucky for a few weeks. When I felt like being on talking terms with them again I was informed that they were now dating each other. "WHAT?! Son of a... oh fuck it, I don't care anymore..."

Their relationship didn't last long anyways. They'd be on and off every so often, they kind of used each other as a rebound for their notoriously short flings with other ponies of both genders. Caramel and I became like genuine siblings, sexual attraction faded away in time and he became my closest and most reliable friend aside from Rainbow Dash. Strange how such a pure friendship emerged from the ashes of that shit storm I call a romance but hey, it all worked out for the best right? We all learned some lessons and had good times. Years later we came to laugh about the whole thing, oh and apparantly the reason Lucky stopped by was because he did indeed think we still had some weird thing going and got a bunch of condoms with the plan of taking me to a hotel.

I was kinda pissed about that actually, still am. Not because he wanted to do that but because I missed out on genuine sex. I still to this day have never had a penis in my vagina and if Caramel had just come hours later or not come at all I could've had the night of my life with Lucky. Damn circumstances... stupid... frickin... universal irony... bitch...

Oh well, I got over it. Anyway; the early days of winder were beginning to arrive when the dam build up between my mom and dad finally burst. It was kinda sad actually. They argued, they screamed, they told each other to go fuck themselves... and it was over. They both told me flat out that they were sick of each other and that this was it. No amount of my crying was going to fix anything.

Wow, do relationships just have a habit of breaking around me or something? I took it well though, all things considered. I was kind of getting sick of my dad anyway, he'd been increasingly jerkish over recent months or maybe my teenage mind was just noticing things I didn't beforehoof. We'd grown really close ever since my mom began losing weight with a new diet plan since that meant my dad and I needed to fend for ourselves food wise.

My dad taught me to cook and I learned very fast. Turns out I have a natural talent for it and I really enjoy it, I started picking out every recipe in my mom's cook book that looked good; I still have it actually.

So I would usually cook for my dad and I; my mom was always off running or flying or doing some kind of exercise while my dad and I just sat on our asses in the living room watching movies and talking about life. I never really knew my dad before then but we actually have a terrifying amount of stuff in common; I'm like a little female clone of him. Seriously... it was kinda creepy how well we got along... you think it's funny but it's not. We would finish each other's sentences that's how bad it was.

Ya, sad.

So anyway, mom and dad broke up, I was kinda pissed but it was a dull ache to be honest. Anyway as I said, my dad had been kinda getting on my nerves lately so I didn't defend him from my mom's yelling and complaints like I usually do. My mom's really loud by the way; my dad's extremely loud but he rarely gets that way, he's usually very quiet. Big guy though, real strong and hardy, he's a carpenter, my mom's an accountant, real good with numbers.

They got together when they were really young. One day my dad just got brutally honest with me and flat out told the truth about how our little family came to be, mom was supposed to be a one night stand but she secretly didn't take any birth control pills because she wanted a foal. She got it. Me. My dad was guilt tripped into marrying her by her family since he'd been the one who'd knocked him up, kind of a shotgun wedding.

To say I was shocked was an understatement; I was unplanned -well on dad's side anyway- I was conceived before my parents were married and worst of all, my mom didn't even deny it, she confirmed every bit of dad's story. I was mortified! Weren't foals supposed to be planned and conceived on a romantic special night with all their toys and room set up beforehoof? Apparently not. Most pregnancies aren't planned, they're the results of drunken mistakes and lack of birth control, that's the sad truth of the matter; usually the only one's who plan having foals are those who have trouble conceiving or same sex couples.

*sigh* anyway, my dad stayed around at the house for a few weeks since he didn't really have anywhere to go. A little sad I'll admit. My mom went straight to dating... while dad was still in the house... even I as an emotionally unstable hormonal teenager knew that wasn't alright.

My dad would grumble about it sometimes but didn't say anything to her on the matter; he bottles things up like I do. It was kind of nice to know that there was another pony who looked at life the way I did. We became less like father and daughter and more like best friends.

I felt disillusioned throughout the whole thing though I mean... your parents breaking up doesn't happen to you... it just happens to everypony around you right? You see it in shows, you hear about your friends and you see your cousins but not your parents... no, they'd never do that do you right? I was in shock... for a long time too.

When did my dad move out? Oh that's easy, one day he was arguing with mom about how open she was being with her dating, she blew through like, 3 or 4 guys a month and that wasn't exactly setting her up as a good role model for me. They got into a big fight expressing ones self and responsibilities as a parent.

My dad asked if there truly was not a drop of romantic love left in the tattered remains of their relationship. She responded instantly with a deadpan no. Without even needing to think about it... ouch... even I felt that sting in that.

He said that if that's how she felt then she should just tear up some music sheet that he wrote, I guess it was a sheet with lyrics for a song that he wrote for her early in their relationship and it was apparently something very special. Aaaaaand mom ripped it up like a shitty contract. And that was the only time I ever saw my normally calm and stoic father explode with pure rage. I'd seen him get angry and shout before but those were just small stressed burst of venting frustration. This wasn't a vent, this was pure unadulterated rage. No, it was more then that, it was pure hate.

I think he actually made my mom cry after a while, he was screaming all sorts of obscenities at her that I didn't even know existed in the Equestrian language; he pointed out all her flaws and eventually resorted to brass tax petty insults, calling her a whore and an ugly old fat bitch, he poked shots at every insecurity she had. And she has a lot of insecurities.

Great, now I felt bad for both parents and hated them both at the same time, first mom was a dick to dad and I felt sorry for him, now dad's being an insensitive jerk to mom and I feel bad for her; ugh, it was just a colossal cluster-fuck.

I will admit that I took a tiny bit of sick twisted pleasure in the way she curled up into a ball and sobbed after he stormed out of the room and slammed every door he encountered; I'd been resenting her for a while for breaking our family; dad was more than willing to go to couple's counselling to help repair their relationship, he knew they had issues for many years and wanted to fix them. But mom... I don't know; for whatever reason she just didn't go for it. I have no idea why, never asked. I'm guessing that she had her reasons, maybe she just got sick of him after a while, maybe she just hated him, maybe she was just sick of his lazy bull crap. Or maybe she was just plain unhappy. How can you sleep in the same bed as somepony who makes your life miserable? I sure as hell couldn't. So maybe there was no bad guy, maybe there was no black and white, no sides to pick, no hero and villain; just two ponies who's relationship had run it's course. It got pretty far, 18 years isn't bad. Fuck of a lot longer than any of my own relationships at the time which seemed to have a knack for disintegrating after only a few weeks.

Sometimes life just sucks. 'Cause that's how life is, it isn't fair, it doesn't pick favorites; it just is. And we have to deal with it.

So dad move out and went to stay with a friend for a while. I found solace in my pet Wyvern Link.

Dad bought Link two years before the break up, the most adorable thing I'd ever seen; Wyverns are sort of like pet dogs for Pegasi, I remember picking him up from the Wyvern handler; on the way home in the carriage he was shuffling around in his small kennel. He couldn't have been bigger than 12 inches or so, he was this tiny plump little thing and sooooooo adorable!

When we got inside the house the first thing he did was pee himself which was both disgusting and cute. Then he walked over to the stairs where Ypson our Sylph glared at him. Sylphs are feline flying creatures, kind of like cats to Pegasi, oh it was hilarious; poor Link scrambled up the stairs to sniff Ypson who wasn't that much bigger than him despite being about 10 years old. As soon as his snout was within range, Ypson gave him a right hook with a declawed paw that knocked him down the stairs along with a predatory hiss.

Ya, Link learned to stay out of Ypson's way from that day on.

A few months later Ypson got sick and died; I balled my eyes out but recovered in time. After that Link became my best buddy, we'd fly around together, play in the park in Ponyville, or chase each other in our backyard; whenever Rainbow Dash came over Link would immediately tackle her to the ground and smother her in slobbery kisses it was so funny, she still has a problem around Wyverns even to this day though she'd never admit it.

Link needed a special leash to keep him restrained in the backyard since he was a little explorer who like to fly off if he got free. Oh the poor thing was so hyper and innocent, had no idea how to survive in the wild so it was important to keep him restrained.

Anyway, we formed a very strong bond with one another; whenever I came home from school filled with frustration he'd always brightened my day. We grew so close. He was my little Link and I was his mama. I... *sniff* oh gods I miss him... y-you ever have that one special a-animal friend that just completes you?

...

...

I remember days when my family was still a family... dad and mom watching TV while I tumbled around the floor with Link and snuggled with him at night when I couldn't sleep. Best buddies forever...

Anyway... dad moved out, right... Rainbow Dash's sixteenth birthday came up reminding me of my seventeenth birthday 4 months into the future; I didn't really know how comfortable I felt about that... Growing up I mean...

The party was fun I guess... I couldn't really enjoy it though I mean... well... you know... with everything I'd been through to this point... And Link's cuddly comfort could only help so much...

So I found solace in Rainbow Dash; a few weeks after her birth day I started hanging out with her more and more. Normally we only hung out at my house but we started having sleep overs at her own.

And I was not prepared for what I saw, I can tell you that... what they had... was... kick... ass... Rainbow Dash's parents had put funding into and earned royalties from a company that designed enchantments; they... oh geeze, it still makes my head spin thinking about it, they had the coolest looking mansion of wood and marble sitting on top of the cloud layer supported by enchantments; it was insane I can't even... it was amazing.

I remember gawking at it and nearly falling out of the sky when we arrived; Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes like it was no big deal; they even had a giant garage filled with top quality hunting and fishing equipment, they had magic powered motorcycles and ATVs it was... it was impressive.

But again, Dash just waved it off like it was nothing. I never knew that she lived in such luxury; "geeze Dashie, you're parents are rich!"

"...They're not my parents..." Dash grumbled.

Apparently Dash is adopted, her mother gave her up after she was born, apparently she couldn't afford to raise a filly on her own. Dash had been in and out of orphanages her whole life until these ponies picked her up when she was 10.

So anyway, we had sleep overs, we spent Nightmare Night around her house it was pretty fun. And there were sleep overs where we did that kind of bonding that only the closest of friends can do. We mostly played video games, watched anime or talked about colts -usually in a perverted light-. Oh and Dashie is a sore looser in mortal combatant by the way, I always had to go easy on her and make it look like I just barely won and even throw a few fights. One time she started breaking about her 'skills' so I wiped the floor with her and she threw her controller out the ground and turned the game off. Real mature Dashie, real mature.

One time we went up onto a very high cloud above her home and we just talked the day away for like 8 hours. We joked, we teased, we wrestled, we debated which of our favorite anime characters would win in a fight, we even spent hours role playing a fantasy world where we were stuck in a building full of hot horny stallions who were after our honey pots. At night we looked through hentai on her computer or through her dirty magazines of playfilly. We both found that we had a preference for feminine colts in socks and panties.

We discussed personal things too, like how our current living situations were going; what we wanted to do when we grew up, stuff like that. We also debated our favorite sex positions, Dash says she'd never suck a stallion off no matter how much she liked him, I went on about how she didn't know what she was missing; don't ask me why, I just like sucking dick, it's just a preference that gets me wet between my legs. Apparently Dash had lost her virginity at an early age, sexually abused by her grandfather when she was 6. Wow, and I thought I had it bad...

But at the same time it was nice to have somepony to relate to yet again. We had a lot of the same issues actually; we were both fucked up in the head, both perverted, both had issues although I'd say in a 'who's scar is worse' competition Rainbow Dash would definitely win. My family might be fractured but at least I have have a family.

OK so here's where my life gets complicated. It all started with that gods damn mother fucking prick Jericho. I'll hate that mother fucker for as long as I live. As I had said, my mom was sifting through a lot of guys but she eventually seemed to settle on one; Jericho, a Pegasus from Manehatten. Reasons to hate him? Right off the bat, he's a bible thumper. The bad kind. He's also a prejudice mother fucking bigot who hates gays, liberals, scientists and pretty much everything else that most zealot fanatics hate.

And what pissed me off the most was that I'm religious too. But he was just like a screaming reminder as to why a lot of ponies hate those who are open about being Celestia Convocates. And he was old school Convocation too; which I admittedly was too -kinda ironic since I should be burning in Tartaurus by the old school rules-.

At first he seemed like an OK guy. He was nice, friendly, charismatic; you get the idea. Mom had brought me to his house a few times where I met his daughter Amber Sands; I immediately liked her, three tone black, purple, and green mane obviously dyed, emo piercings and a facial expression that said 'I fucking hate my life and it's all my dad's fault' she was obviously one of those unfortunate foals that was forced to endure the prejudice upbringing of a religious bigot and she hated it with a passion.

She reminded me a lot of Caramel actually so we got a long well, I met her coltfriend Jiff Peanut, really mellow quiet stallion, cool guy.

And then there was Antz, I hate him almost as much as Jericho. At the time he just seemed like a quiet guy but eventually he'd become the next big bully in my life and I wouldn't be able to do a thing about it.

Anyway; my mom and Jericho dated for some time. Occasionally I would be brought down there and some times Amber would be brought to my house. It's so funny, I felt kinda awkward around her; just 'cause of the situation 'my parent is dating your parent and we're stuck hanging out as a result' but it's funny 'cause I had no idea at the time how much I'd come to adore her and Jiff in the future.

Then came that day... the one I'll never forget... I came home from school it was winter... I got inside my cloudshouse and walked around. Mom and Jericho were talking to each other in front of the back glass sliding doors. I got bored. I searched for Link. Couldn't find him anywhere. I asked mom if he was outside on the leash.

Her eyes almost immediately averted mine, after a while she said, "well honey, he somehow got out of the leash and-" "WHAT! WHY AREN'T YOU OUT LOOKING FOR HIM?! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THIS EARLIER?!"

I spazed the fuck out; Link's like my little foal! Mama's gotta find him! I suited up in the warmest gear I could find, mom tried to calm my down saying that a storm was brewing; I didn't listen, I didn't care. All that mattered was Link. I couldn't lose him. Not after losing so much already, I needed one constant in my life. Just one.

I searched for an hour. I didn't find him. I only looked around the neighborhood; the blizzard over Ponyville made going there impossible. I didn't find him. I was tired, hungry, cold, and angry. How could mom not go after him herself or at least notify me as soon as I got home that he'd gotten off his leash? He'd done it before, found a way to get out of his leash; despite being a dope most of the time he was actually a very smart Wyvern.

I never found him. I went home and cried myself to sleep ignoring my mom's comforting words. I looked for him the next day, and the day after that, and after that. Naddah. He was gone. Dead or alive? I had no idea. I never saw him again. Dad swears that he saw him with some other family a few years later; dad would know, he's as good with animals as I am can recognize two identical animals apart. Whether this was true or he was just trying to comfort me I don't know. But I definitely want to believe the former.

A couple weeks later I found out from Jericho that my mom had been the one that unhooked Link's leash and let him off into the sky.

...

...

...

Apparently she was sick of cleaning up the shed skin.

...

...

I never looked at my mom the same way ever again.

...

We moved in with Jericho, the cost of living in our own cloudhouse was too much with only one paycheck. Seemed like the smart thing to do didn't it?... Ya...

I was so fucking pissed.

Oh and guess where I wound up sleeping?! The basement. Unfurnished, cobwebs and rats basement with a dinky little two hoof long window in an otherwise pitch black room of concrete brick, cold and lifeless grey.

I... I-I could h-hear things moving around in the dark at n-night...

...

...

...

...

I hated it there... so much... I hated it so bad... and I hated the ponies that lived there -except for Amber and Jiff- Fucking Antz was a prik beyond priks. It's not that he really did anything on a regular basis, it was just that when he did bully me he did in such a conniving way I wanted to beat that smile off his face UGH gosh I hate him. My only solace is that a few years after this whole section in my life he wound up back on the streets as a druggie with no home or friends.

OK so apparently Jericho is trying to be a charity case by letting his daughter's friends stay with them. Why she's friends with an asshole like Antz I'll never know. I think he picked on me because I looked weak and that annoyed him; growing up on the street he probably learned that weakness equals death or some bullshit like that, I don't care, I still fucking hate him and I hope he has to whore himself out to 70 year old fat bald stallions just so that he has money to eat.

You ever have bullies in your life? Imagine the worse one of them and then imagine having to live under the same roof as him. Ya, not cool.

But at least Amber and Jiff made it bearable somewhat; Amber became like a cool big sister while Jiff was like that awesome brother that everypony wants to have. They became my new family since I practically despised my mom at that point in my life. I'd warm back up to her eventually but at that point I could barely stand the sight of her. What's worse, she became like a drone, just doing whatever Jericho 'advised' her to do. Within a month they were talking about marriage 'gag'. And the whole time I had to listen to his literal preaching and bigotry 24/7 and I lost sleep as I was forced to hear him and his daughter screaming at each other each and every night upstairs; apparently she was just as fed up with his zealot asinine behavior as I was. I had never been so emo in my life.

But there were the rays of light in the dark. For instance, my dad moved back into our old house for the time being. Apparently even though it was sold we were still allowed to live in it until a buyer on the market was ready to move in. And since dad's name was technically on the deed he had every right to live there.

So every weekend I'd get to spend back in Cloudsdale with dad. I quickly came to cherish those precious weekends.

I spent time bonding with my dad, I found out that he began dating a mare named Freesia Delphinium. Now there was a name that popped out at me, if only because such a name was comprised of two very special flowers. A Freesia, bright, sophisticated blossoms spreading out against its stem with a grace not commonly found in the flower kingdom. It embodies grace under pressure and is the symbol of one who can keep their cool under difficult circumstances. And Delphinium, this cluster of pastel flowers represent a heavenly transcendence; symbolizing spiritual accomplishments and emotional growth.

Sounds like an interesting mare. I shrugged it off at the time but little did I know just how important she would become in my future, perhaps one of the most important and influential ponies of my life.

But at the time she was just my dad's marefriend and nothing more to me. A few weekends I'd spend hanging out with Rainbow Dash but usually just her visiting me at my dad's house.

Then came that one night... she'd called me up and asked if I could spend the night at her house. My mom gave the OK and the plan was laid out.

I spent that night trying to ignore the scratching sounds of things moving around in the basement as I thought about the fun I'd have at the sleep over. And then it came... It was just a thought... just a small thought; so minor, just an idle wondering but it was there... the absolute ridiculous notion that maybe during our little sleep over... we could... I don't know... experiment? Maybe? No, that's stupid, don't think like that.

But I did. I thought to myself, "I'm allowed my imagination!" and that night I clopped with a fury like no other thinking dirty thoughts about my best friend.

The weekend came up, one that I wouldn't soon forget.

I arrived there late into Saturday, highly excited to see Dash. I'd brought a tone of video games with me to but my dad confiscated them as he dropped me off saying that I needed to learn how to 'play outside like a normal pony' bah humbug! Dash just laughed at my pouting face.

We spent the day running around, flying, talking, watching TV. The entire time I had this ugly knot in my belly as those fantasies had grown into desire over the course of the night. But how do you ask your best friend if they want to have sex with you? She knew that I'm bisexual so I at least didn't have to explain that part.

Eventually we glided down to a river stream down on ground level. Down here we scuttled past the rock bed into the chilly waters. Why the hell we were going swimming in winter is beyond me. It would have been deathly fridged to most but to us it was just cold; yay Pegasus insulation! The flowing water passed by as we chipped the frozen bits of ice with our hooves while we swam by. It was fun.

We even had a mushy snowball fight. We were floating in the passing river when I asked that difficult question. Or rather I stammered it out, "Hey Dash?" "Ya?" "Um... so you know how like... I'm... ya know... into fillies and colts?" "...ya..." "well... have you ever... been you know... like, wanted to know what it was like?" "..." "Cause I've kinda wanted to you know... just do some stuff with you... you know just to try it out and stuff... it's kinda fun you know... I mean if you don't to that's completely OK I was just wondering you know... I can make you feel really good." Oh gods why did I say that last bit? That was just plane sad.

Rainbow Dash didn't answer, she silently floated on her back staring up at the sky, I was in much the same position so I couldn't read her facial expression.

Minutes passed... silence... oh the painful nagging silence...

"R-Rainbow Dash?"

"..."

"... Dashie?"

"..."

"... so... what do you think?"

"..."

"W-will... I mean, do you think-" "Yaokwhatever!" she said in a hastened fashion.

I lost balance in my floating position and dipped under before resurfacing, "R-REALLY?! YOU MEAN IT?!"

Rainbow Dash clamped a hoof over my mouth, "geeze keep it down! Ya I'll do it just keep your yap shut!" her face was beat read, her eyes avoiding mine as her ears flared and twitched heavy with agitation. She looked so adorable.

We headed back up to the cloudhouse with Dashie drooping her head the entire way.

When we reached the top of the cloudlayer and entered her home, we immediately made for the bathroom to take a nice hot bath. Fortunately thanks to us both being mares there wasn't anything weird about us sharing the tub, especially with how big it was. This was a normal thing for us anyway. But today... it was anything but normal.

RD looked flustered throughout the entire bath and kept strictly to her side of the tub which somewhat upset me. When I swam over to her to wash her back like I always do during our baths she flinched. She actually flinched when I touched her...

I hung my head and slunked back to my side of the tub. I think she felt a little bad because after a few minutes she crawled over and began washing my back.

When we were done bathing, we had dinner and got into her room where I saw the biggest tent ever set up in a large empty space on her floor. Big mansion equals big bedrooms which then equals big space for stuff like this. I stared in a stupor at the tent. "...wot..."

Dash's demeanor did a 180 as she saw the tent and suddenly she was back to the super hyper athlete "oh ya! Isn't this sick?! I got a new tent!" she flew over to it proudly before unzipping it and crawling inside.

Seeing nothing else to do but follow after her, I did just that. Inside the thing was very spacious, enchantments on it offered the smells and sounds of a forest; I could actually smell pollen and plant life found only in the Everfree while the sounds of crickets and squeaking little rodents rustled by.

I was in heaven. "This... is..." "AWESOME!" Rainbow finished with a flourish of her forelegs, her voice cracking in that adorable tomcoltish fashion.

With the strange behavior from before melted away, we talked like we usually do for a few hours until her mom told us to go to bed.

But of course we weren't going to sleep. Stars showcased themselves on the ceiling of the tent illuminating themselves as northern lights sailed gradually by emitting a beautiful and admittedly romantic light over the two of us.

I was getting excited. Rainbow Dash on the other hoof was back to being strange and distant. Our conversation broke off into a tangent of silence rearing its neck every time one of us tried to say something. I went from confused to concerned to annoyed very quickly and soon I just got up and trotted until my face was in Rainbow's the sudden motion startled her something fierce. She looked scared... which was incredibly bizarre, Rainbow Dash doesn't get scared! That's insane!

Dashie looked away and rubbed the back of her head, why is she so fucking nervous? I decided to push my luck, I leaned in and kissed her.

She bitched slapped the muthuh fuckin' shit outtah me.

I fell to the ground and cradled my aching cheek. I blinked in shock. It took me a few seconds before I could turn to see Rainbow Dash staring at the ground with a scowl on her face, sitting on her rump and scuffing the bottomg of the tent with a forehoof.

"Don't kiss me... don't ever kiss me..." she mumbled.

Well gee, maybe you could have given some fore warning that you don't like kissing there Rainbow Bitch?

"S-sorry." I mumbled out. Wow talk about a turn off.

Rainbow Dash coughed into her hoof, "right... sorry... I just... I don't wanna be kissed by a mare ya know? That's all..."

I nodded, "I understand." I really did too, I didn't like kissing all that much anyway; I found it boring and hard to breath while performing, much easier to lick somepony's lips than kiss them. I just thought that kissing was generally how sex began so...

But apparently there's another 'fucking your friends 101 manual' out there that I wasn't aware of, huh, fancy that.

OK then, I saddled up next to her trying to ignore the stinging in my cheek, "OK then, no kissing. No kissing on the lips right? Like could I kiss other places like your thighs and flank and stuff?" and there was the good ol' perversion, already the horny twitching of my pussy lips winking had returned.

Dash nodded, "Ya sure, whatever..." she mumbled in return.

Good enough for me!

I wasted no time in getting behind her and massaging her wings; at first she jumped a bit but then relaxed. I massaged them until they were nice and slack. Then I massaged her neck muscles and I guess she gets off on that because pretty soon her wings were stiff. Then I moved lower, getting lower back and then lower to her rump. Finally I began massaging her tail which caused her to mewl and gasp in the cutest sounds I've ever heard her make.

She stopped me after a while, "can we just, ya know, get to the good part?"

I swallowed hard and nodded; 'kinda wanted this to be special since you're so important to me but that's OK you can just throw away the romance Rainbow Dash' I thought bitterly.

"So uh... what can we like... do?" Dash asked full of nervousness as she shifted around like a filly that needed to pee. Funny that she was acting all nervous now when she'd been the one to suggest we 'get tot he good part'.

"Well, we can give each other head." I suggested.

Rainbow Dash nodded... then cringed, "ew, won't that taste gross?"

A bit sour but not too bad if you just focus on making the mare cum rather than what your taste buds are trying to complain to you about. "A little, I guess..."

Dash frowned. Then her face lit up "I got an idea!" she rushed out of the tent and was gone for all of ten seconds before returning with two juice boxes. "...wot..." I stared in utter confusion.

"You can put a little in your mouth and then you won't taste any piss or anything!" Dash said proudly.

It was simple, almost foalish, but smart.

"OK" I nodded approvingly.

She popped the straws into the juice boxes.

"So who'll go first?" I asked. Normally I liked to get serviced last but I wanted tonight to be about Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash put a hoof to her chin, "hmm... how about we 69?"

Ugh, I walked right into that one didn't I? Fricking 69... I stated earlier that I hate the position and I still did. Still do.

But... tonight's about Dash. So I nodded.

I wasn't sure if she wanted to be on top or not but she surprised me by lying down on her side. She squirted some juice into her mouth and I copied the act before laying on my own side in front of her crotch to mouth.

We both hiked our top side hind leg over the other's head quickly buried our muzzle in the other's vagina. I had no idea of telling whether or not Dash was wet but I definitely was. Oh this was happening... this was really REALLY happening! I'm having sex with Rainbow Dash! This is real!

The juice did negate the tart flavor of Dash's pussy somewhat although the extra liquid in my mouth made it very hard to navigate my tongue and Dash wasn't fairing any better. I could feel first the cold liquid on my love tunnel making me shiver followed thereby Dash's tongue. Like I said, she wasn't fairing any better. Oh my goodness she was downright terrible at this. Even with the handicap of the juice it shouldn't have been THAT hard to get some decent pleasure!

But it was... oh my goodness there was no way I'd orgasm from Dash's ministrations. I on the other hoof was making some headway.

After a few minutes I pulled away and swallowed the juice. "Dash, wait."

Dash pulled her own face away and spat the juice out onto the tent canopy. Smooth dash... real class you got there...

"ya? are you done cuming?" Dash asked as she wiped her mouth.

I barked out a laugh, "HA! No, I'm sorry but I'm hardly feeling anything from you. Should we just take turns? I promise it'll be like a million times faster."

Dash grumbled to herself before lying on her back and spreading her legs.

OK, I guess she wants to go first then... that's cool, I like going last anyway.

I got down in front of her haunches and cracked my neck; here I was in familiar territory and knew what I was doing. I hooked my forelegs under her hind ones and dragged her close to my mouth, she slid along with a small squeak that brought a satisfied smile to my mouth as it began to water; I started down at Dashie's beautiful perfect sexy flower.

I licked my lips multiple times as my grin grew from ear to ear.

"Flutters... you're kinda creeping me out, can you just get on with it?" Dash piped in.

'Can you just let me enjoy this moment?' I thought in annoyance.

But I indulged her wishes and dove in; I wanted to go into foreplay, you know, kissing her thighs, licking her inner haunches and blowing along her pussy lips. But SOMEpony wants instant gratification!

Well you damn well better believe that I delivered!

"WOAH!" Dash exclaimed as her hind legs kicked out and pawed at the lair while my tongue assaulted her like a lawn mower slaying grass. I gave it my all with sheer enthusiasm; my tongue aggressively lapped, prodded, and coiled around every inch of her pussy inside and out that I could reach. I stopped here and their to suck her labia into my mouth stretching the skin and suckled on the sensitive flesh before letting it snap out of my mouth nibling ever so gently on her clit.

The whole time Dash mewled and gasped and made all manner of adorable sounds that only encouraged my ravenous behavior.

By her third orgasm I figured she'd had enough and pulled my face away completely splattered with her juices. I felt dirty. A good kind of dirty, the kind that I couldn't help but giggle in spite of.

Rainbow Dash looked up panting, her face flushed. Looks like she was enjoying herself. "Wh-why'd you stop?!"

Oh, selfish are we? Can't get enough of Fluttershy's seductive tongue? "Well what about MY turn huh?" I asked with mock hurt in my voice.

Dash chocked on her words and turned away.

We were silent for about a minute before a knot began to form in my stomach as I got the strangest feeling that something was wrong. "Uh... Dashie?"

"Can... is... is there like... another way?" she inquied.

"Another way for what?" I inquired right back.

Dash poked the tips of her forehooves together, "another way to... well... for me to ya know... get you off?"

I frowned, "is there a problem with giving me head?" for some reason outright saying 'lick my pussy' sounded dirty like I should avoid saying it despite the situation. Rainbow Dash sighed, "I really don't want to... it tastes nasty and the whole thing's gross.

Well gee, thanks Rainbow Dash, that'll do wonders for my self esteem, jackass.

I deadpanned, "well... I don't really- OH WAIT!" I plopped one for hoof into the other as if expecting a light bulb to appear above my head. I knew JUST what to do!

"I've been wanting to do this for a while. Here, get on your stomach, OK now spread your hind legs. More. More. Bring your knees forward. Like a frog! There you go." I then got in behind her, I lay down on my back and scooted up until our butts were touching. Then I hiked my hind legs up and scooched my pussy underneath Rainbow's until our labia were touching.

I press my forehooves down on Rainbow's flanks pushing her rump down into my crotch and began gyrating my hips around. We both let out soft moans as our vagina's stimulated the other's. I'd never experienced anything like this before but I'd always wanted to.

We grinded and grinded until I'd orgasmed about... 4 times I think? It was just so easy to cum. I was excited, the dirtiness of the situation, fucking my best friend it was just so hot! I have no idea how many times Rainbow Dash came but eventually I got tired and stopped moving as I panted.

"Y-you stopped again!" Dash whined.

I shop my head up, "why do I have to do all the work?! You've hips, make 'em dance girl!" I snapped back.

Dash groaned before grindind her crotch down into mine. This method was MUCH more effective than mine.

We went like that until we were tired, then we swapped positions with each other so that I was on top and did all the gyrating. Then when I got tired we'd switch again. I lost count of how many orgasms I had and so had Dash "I wasn't even counting." she commented with a giggle before mashing her pussy into mine. She'd begun the whole thing with a lot of reluctance but the end result was a very excited horny Rainbow Dash who was as eager to please me as I was to please her. I think at one point we even competed for who could keep up the gyrating longest. Dash won.

After we were both too tired to continue, covered in sweat and cum; Dash and I fell onto the ground on our sleeping bags. I snuggled up into her. She didn't wrap her legs around me in welcoming but she didn't shove me away either so that was something I guess.

And thus began our bumpy relationship. Oh the kinds of shit storms we'd cause in each other's lives in the future...

Well; I'm completely exhausted so I'm turning in for tonight.

Tomorrow I'll get into the next stage of my life where I met Freesia. It's thanks to that mare that I matured from that stupid mentally disturbed teenager into the Element of Kindness that I am today.

OK I'll continue tomorrow then.

So, this is me. Fluttershy. Soldiering on.

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	4. Maturing Mare

Chapter Four, Maturing Mare

-To grow up. What exactly does that mean? Is it simply a mater of again or a state of mind involving the emotional development of one's maturity from filly to mare or colt ot stallion? Everypony holds that moment in their life, that one special year when they truly felt that they have inexplicably, become an adult.- excerpt from the secret book of Bemnal the Fallen

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Fluttershy here, so... I think I last left off with Dashie. Oh yes... OK so this point in my life was probably the most influential. I was now living in Jericho's house with Amber, Jiff, and Antz. Antz drove me up the fucking wall, I can't even recall specific moments but whenever they occurred they set me off like a rocket.

What really pissed me off is that Jericho was too much of a gullible fool to see how horrible Antz really was; Antz is a good actor, he can play the part of a sweet and righteous guy which really pisses me off.

I did find a bit of a pass time to keep me occupied though; I had a base ball bat that my dad got me; I would go out into Jericho's yard which was out in the farm land just outside of Manehatten and would just hit a ball as far as it would reach. Then I'd go collect it and try again. Fairly simple, but it helped. A lot.

Weeks passed. Life in that house was Tartaurus. Amber and Jiff made it bearable at least. I had to listen to Jericho's prejudice bigotry. I had to put up with Antz, I had to deal with my identity crisis; am I bi? Am I gay but was just fooling myself? I certainly seemed to enjoy sex with Caramel and Lucky.

How did I deal with it all? I soldiered on that's how. Every day just became a bland routine. Day time and I'd get up, take a shower in Jericho's run down bathroom in his crappy cheap house on a tiny plot of land; I'd wait for the bus, I'd get on and talk to one of the four friends I'd made at the new school while ignoring the pestering of this little shit who was more of a bully to my friend then to me and it was kind of amusing to watch them argue with each other but still annoyed me.

Then I'd go to school, now the school was actually pretty cool, I really liked it; big, expensive, nice ponies, amazing classes; it was probably the only good part of the whole situation really. Oh and I LOVE their cafeteria, freaking chandeliers, black marble flooring with the coolest tables and booths. Nothing like the shitty Cloudsdale school. And they had a salad bar for lunch and it was a legitimately GOOD salad bar with my favorite stuff. I think I actually put on a few pounds though because I always got the thousand island dressing and globered it on my stomach. Heh... Kind of embarrassed about that... Ya I got a pudgy tummy after a month or so and... ya.. still haven't really gotten rid of it...

After lunch I'd speak with one of my other friends by the lockers which were situated in rows free of the walls and then afterwards I would resume classes, get on a bus and go home. Eat some big dinner that mom cooked for everypony, say just enough words to keep up a light conversation, do homework, go to basement, play video games for an hour or two; go to bed. Repeat. Again. And again. And again.

And that's how it went for the longest time. On weekends when I couldn't visit dad I'd go to the library from dawn til dusk reading manga.

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I'm sorry, I have a lot of trouble talking about this part of my life, it was just filled with so much anger and hate and... I thought some very dark thoughts... I wanted to hurt ponies... a lot... even k...

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After a while everything just sort of faded into a dull ache... Time washed by and I was barely aware of it, days became hours, flickering by like a breeze of wind. I was sort of happy for it; I figured that the quicker time passed the quicker I could get to the age of 18 and just move out. I didn't care where I'd go, anywhere was better than here. Time paused only for a few moments here and there.

Arguments between the whole group of ponies living there, everypony accusing each other of making the other's lives miserable. We all were miserable I guess. Amber hated her dad's fanatical hate, Jiff hated how low some of his friends had fallen into drugs and crime, Antz hated how his parents disowned him and didn't care if he wound up in a ditch somewhere, Mom hated how poor we all were just barely scraping by on food shelter, Jericho hated this one guy who apparently had a vendetta out on him, I hated my position in life and how everything that I'd come to cherish had fallen apart and changed so drastically.

We were all so mad. Fights broke out on a regular basis. Everypony pointing hooves at each other.

I suppose it was ironically nice. To know that you weren't the only one suffering. To know that even the ponies you hate weren't monsters, they had feelings too and I even found myself pitying them. There was this guy who'd got into an invested business with Jericho; apparently Jericho was once extremely rich but this guy that he'd invested with ripped him off and left him dirt poor; somewhere in that instance, his wife died; after then it was just him and his daughter. The guy still harrasses all of us sometimes and tires to fuck with our living situation.

Amber's a peace and love type of pony but in a very cool sort of way. She believe in accepting everypony as they are but her dad's bigotry really messes with her head and she fights him tooth and keratin night and day over moral issues.

Jiff has to deal with almost all of his friends joining a gang, some of them died, others became druggies, some just stopped speaking to him. He's always so quiet and looks so lonely.

Antz, as much as I hate him, has a horrible life too, he used to be homeless. His parents kicked him out of the house when he starting using drugs when he was 12 and had been living on the streets doing what he could to support his habit. When he met Jiff and Amber, Jericho had offered for him to live with them to help him get back on his hooves.

There is no black and white. Nopony is really good or bad, there's just fifty million shades of grey.

It started to get colder out... Winter was beginning to set in with a fury. My birthday came and went, I barely noticed. There was no party, couldn't afford one. I didn't care. The toilet backed up. Couldn't be used anymore, we got an outhouse.

Imagine getting up at 3 in the morning needing to take a dump and having to rush out towards an outhouse through the snow and then sit in a freezing box smelling feces while you did your business.

Life went on. It always goes on.

Oh right, Dashie... well...

Every time I went over to my dad's I would always try to visit her. We arranged a system where we'd both sleep over at Derpy's house since both of our houses were too risky.

Oh gosh, poor Derpy, there was even one time, wait no I can't spoil the surprise. OK so first off; Dash and I would meet up at Derpy's house and the three of us would have a good time together. I'd always sit next to Dash, do stuff with her, cuddle with her which caused her to shove me away most of the time. She really didn't like showing our affection in public...

In fact, she even went to great pains to ensure to everypony else that she was't gay. She even tried acting feminine just to push the point. She made offensive gay jokes which really hurt me and would NEVER allow us to be seen doing anything even remotely showing our relationship to others.

We fought a lot about it. A lot.

Sometimes I'd challenge her to wrestling matches over at Derpy's which usually ended with me on top over in a doggy style position that never failed to turn me on. I think she liked getting into that position and just disguised it as wrestling.

I remember the first night; I'd been so utterly excited, I brought a bunch of stuff; well, by bunch of stuff I actually mean that I brought panties and socks. Heh, I'm a dirty filly.

I wanted to be sexy for Dash. My Dash.

Oh I was ravenous that night.

Derpy waved us good night and went to bed. Dash and I sat out in the living room which was in the cloud basement; we put our sleeping bags on the ground and sat there for a few moments.

"OK.. uh... you ready?" Dash asked me.

I nodded eagerly before opening my saddle pack and pulling out my socks and panties. Dash covered her mouth as she began snickering but I didn't care; I slit them on and pranced around, "well?" I asked as I swung my luscious hips back and forth.

"Sexy." Dash said between strained chuckles before she lost it and buried her face in her pillow as she wailed with laughter.

I harrumphed before tackling her and smothering her with nuzzles.

She giggled and pushed be off, "OK, OK, I'm sorry."

I licked her cheek and gazed into those beautiful magenta eyes. Like shimmering amethyst. O how I could get lost in those eyes... I kissed her. Not on the lips, on the cheek. She jumped a little but at least she didn't slap me. I gently got her down onto her back and clambered on top of her. I smiled as I licked my lips; she looked a little nervous, almost... scared? Even though we'd already had sex? well, whatever.

I got into the zone; "you're hot Dashie." I said honestly, she wilted and let out an adorable squeak. "We're two hot bisexual teenagers all alone in the dark..." I continued with a husky voice as I closed in like predator oh shit... I'm getting wet right now thinking about it. I don't know what it is about Dash but when it comes to her I just can't control my libido.

She tensed up at first when I came close but I clamped my mouth down around her neck and sucked on it, laping my tongue around and lightly nibbling. Dash moaned and shifted under me. I was so horny I can't even describe it; I was like a starving carnivorous animal and Dashie was a hunk of meat for me to devour. I peppered her entire body in kisses, licks and nips.

She squeaked and shifted but I could feel her body heat up and smell that familiar odor from her crotch, she quickly went form nervous to 'I want fun happy sextimes!' mode. We pretty much did what we had done last time; I ate her out, then we did that weird pussy grinding thing. Afterwards I crawled up on her back in a doggy style fasion and bucked against her rump with the beginning of her tail scratching that special itch. She seemed to enjoy the position even though she wasn't really getting any pleasure from it.

So ya, every time we slept over at Derpy's... we were doing the dirty deed. But we never really swapped that routine up, never really explored any positions. Just... did those same things over and over again.

Course now a days with Dash I make sure to make up for that by wearing her ass out with every spontaneous sexual inspiration I can find on the internet. And I feel like one dirty proud and sexually satisfied little mare afterwards. Hmph!

So anyway... there was one time when Derpy wanted to sleep in the living room with us. Oh gosh that was so awkward. We kept trying to convince her to go back to her room and sleep and that got her all suspicious, "why don't you guys want me to sleep out here?"

I kept trying to defuse the situation by telling her that it was nothing and to just drop it. But she wouldn't let it got; she was curious now and refused to let it slide. So then I leaned into to Rainbow Dash's ear and said, "hey, I'll just tell her an excuse and then we can wait until she's asleep OK?"

Dash nodded.

I looked back to Derpy, "OK um.. well... we... Dash and I... we uh... we clop." I finished bluntly.

Derpy's misaligned eyes blinked, "... wot..."

"We clop... here... during sleep over. It just helps to sleep." I lied.

Dash looked at like what I'd said was worse than the truth.

Derpy sat silently. Staring at us or trying to the best she could for a long moment.

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"Hm... well so what guys? I clop every night, it's nothing to be ashamed of."

And right then I felt like dying of laughter. I don't know why, it was funny, ridiculous. The scheme worked but I had never expected that answer out of Derpy.

So things some what settled down. Dash and I pretending to go to bed. We waited a long time until it seemed that Derpy was fast asleep before we got to doing our thing despite the obvious awkward air of the situation.

Yes... we had sex in front of a sleeping Derpy. Well, actually we were behind the couch so that we were out of her line of sight -oh you know what I mean- but I don't know... it was comedic-ally weird.

Anyway... Things got hectic after a while. I always looked forward to our brief visits; they were special, a bit of stress relief as far as I was concerned.

And then there were the days when we argued a lot... So we were going to this science building thing and throughout the whole day I'd thought that I was sleeping over at Dashe's -later I found out that I was wrong on that assumption- and I'd been snuggling up to Dash throughout ht entire trip. I would steal a nuzzle here, a holding tails there. The entire time Dash was becoming ever more aggravated with me.

Towards the end of the day I asked her when we'd be going to her house at which point she gave me a genuinely confused look.

I blinked in response to her confusion and she explained that intact no, I would NOT be staying over tonight. A little upset I decided to stop fondling her for the rest of the trip. We saw lots of cool things I suppose. Dash was as immature and trouble seeking as ever.

When I got home I was upset but oh well... just another day I suppose. A week later Dash called me. She was hanging out with some of our other friends. We talked and laughed, then she said that she didn't want 'what ever we had' to continue. I sat there frozen. She remained as silent as I. Minutes passed. Several very uncomfortable minutes...

Then I spoke, I pleaded, begged, yelled. Nothing worked, she just didn't want to do it anymore. And then she hung up. That was my breaking point. All of this shit... I could put up with it, really I could... as long as I had her. But without her? Fuck it. I snapped. I broke down crying in the middle of the kitchen, Amber and Jiff tried to coax me out of my fit but I ignored them, I screamed I fought I yelled I wallowed like a little foal.

Eventually I went down to the basement in my little dungeon and wept. My mom came down to coddle me; I told her I was gay, she said I was just going through a faze.

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My aunt came over, and suddenly... I saw a way out. I was desperate at this point and I didn't care what I'd have to do in order to escape this place, she brought me out to a restaurant in town and talked to me. We spoke for quite some time and I told her about my living situation; I made damn sure to stress all of the bad points of my stay there, living in the basement; the rats that were likely living down there, how cold it was in the winter; how jerkish the others living with me were -though technically it was just Antz and Jericho I had a problem with-

And so on.

She was horrified to say the least. Oh I suppose I should mention, this is the aunt on my mom's side by the way. So my aunt brought me home. I'd hoped that what I said would way heavily enough on her that she'd try and talk some sense into her. I guess it did because she must've told mom which then instigated her to tell Jericho and through him the rest found out.

Soon I was cornered in the kitchen by an angry Antz, Jiff, and worst of all, Amber.

Accusations were thrown at me as I curled up into a ball, things like 'why'd you make us look like horrible ponies?' and 'you said you liked sleeping down there' and a bunch of other stuff that made me feel terrible. Go fuck yourself Antz, Jiff I'm sorry, but Amber... I felt just plane terrible when she looked at me like that, i wanted to wither like a plant. I never really could stand to see her disappointed. I guess I always seek approval from some authority, when I was really young it was my mom; in middle and high school it was my teachers and councilor. At that point it was Amber. She was like the big sister that I SHOULD have had.

I felt like crap, I barely slept that night, I never gave them any answers for their questions. I ended up sleeping in the guest bedroom from that point on. I talked to mom a few times begging her to just move out so we could go back to Cloudsdale, I hated it there so much, I hated living in that stupid house with Jericho and Antz, I was unbelievably depressed; even as I tried to find some kind of solace in the library, distracting myself from the pains of day to day life I got yelled at from Antz saying that maybe I'd have more friends if I didn't spend all day at that stupid library, go fuck yourself Antz, I hope you OD and die somewhere in the middle of the gods damn street.

A few days later my aunt came again, she said she was taking me away for a while. I can't tell you how happy I was. Plus I got to stay with one of my favorite cousins. I was sleeping on the couch at the time I think. My aunt was talking about getting me into the school that her daughter was going to. It was kinda fun living with my cousin, we got a long pretty well. I think she got a little quiet and mellow compared to how she was when we were younger but oh well.

I walked in on her one time while she was getting out of the shower. Talk about awkward. Especially 'cause I wasn't like 'oh woops! Sorry!' no, I just stared. WHAT?! She's hot! She slammed the door in my face. Ow.

I walked it off.

Time passed. A whole week had gone by and I Really was not comfortable with going back to school so soon. I'd been taken out of Manehatten's school right after the first tri-mester. Ya the manehatten school is weird like that.

I spent most of the days that week playing Equestrian Warfare with my cousin online with other players half way across the world, it was kinda fun. Until I started getting my head blown off every five seconds.

Anyway, suddenly we got a call from my mom, she sounded like she'd been crying for a long time, she broke up with Jericho and was moving back to Cloudsdale. I guess my aunts collectively got to her. I also moved back in with her. Things were... difficult between us for a while. We were living back at our old house which still hadn't been purchased yet. Dad was living in Trottingham with one of his friends.

I went back to school and at the end of the year I had a bunch of extra credits thanks to the tri mester system of Manehatten's school. Summer came, the house was purchased. Mom and I had to move out. I was... I don't know... I wasn't happy though, I finally get to move back in with mom in Cloudsdale and boom... this happens...

On the flip side however, there couldn't have been a better pony to move in with. This is when I met Freesia Delphinium. Freesia was my dad's ex marefriend. They're still good friends though. Anyway, apparently my mom and Freesia had become very good friends in the time that we had moved back to Cloudsdale.

Freesia lived in Ponyville, just an Earth Pony. HA! See, it's funny because nothing about Freesia is 'just' everything about her is amazing. I'd even go so far as to say that she's cooler than Rainbow Dash -don't tell her I said that- Freesia is the most important mare in my life. It's because of her that I became the Element of Kindness, it's funny... no magic, no flying, just a country bumpkin Earth Pony... but she's the most amazing pony I've ever met bar none.

We arrived at her house, she lived in a small cottage on the outskirts of Ponyville -yes the one that I live in now- I remember the first day that we moved in, we were assisted by members of this sub cult church of Celestia; they believed in the old version of the bible but with a few twists as most cults had.

Anyway, they helped us move in and that's when I first saw Freesia, she had a coat that was a little darker yellow than my own and a dark brown mane with the slightest tinge of auburn to it. It hung around her head in a style very similar to the one I have now though a fair bit shorter, her eyes a chocolate brown. She looked aged, not like Granny Smith aged, but aged; only lightly so. Turns out that at the time she was 50; looked pretty good for fifty I have to say.

We exchanged hellos. I was quiet through most of it though; I didn't really like opening up to ponies at that time in my life. I was still going through my 'emo' faze. Oh, did you know that the cottage has a basement? I stayed in it for the time being, there are only two bedrooms, one with Freesia and the guest bedroom with mom. But the basement in the cottage is amazing; furnished, carpet lay down, small windows but they were clean and shining with pretty drapes. It was actually very lovely.

Oh and since Freesia already had her own couch the one we brought was put in the basement for my own use, yay! I actually had everything I needed down there, TV, Video games, a comfy couch, my bed, and a shower. Yes, there's actually a tiny shower down there. It was there before Freesia moved in so... ya... not much she could do about it without getting an unnecessary hassle.

But anyway, not only did I use that shower instead of the bath upstairs, but I also used it... uh... as a toilet... Whaaaaaat?! I get up in the morning and I really have to pee! So I just hop in the shower, turn it on and down the drain it goes! Heh, Freesia and mom weren't happy with that but still I mean, if it's like late at night and all, why go aaaalll the way upstairs, tip hoof across the squeaky kitchen, and use the toilet when I could just use the shower for a few seconds and bada boom I'm done?

Whatever... Anyway, during the move the guys helping us suggested that I stop by the church and check it out; that went well at first but after a few months I saw how much of a freaky cult they were and got the frick out of there fast. During those first few weeks I got to know Freesia a little bit. And I also learned about a hundred strict rules that she had about the cottage. Ever wonder why I'm so quiet and flutter around everywhere? Well, this is why. Rule 1, talk very very softly. Rule 2, you've got wings, hover through the house, the floor boards are very squeaky and loud. Rule three, no swearing. Rule 4, keep the noise of TV and video games down. Rule 5, keep your living space clean. Rule 6, no eating in the living room -which was broken... by all of us... including Freesia- Rule 7, don't eat any of Freesia's food. Rule 8, don't put your own food in her spots of the fridge. Rule 8, be super gentle with the animals.

Oh ya, even though she was basically retired she still took care of Ponyville's animals. See, sometimes animals come out of the Everfree and start poking around the city and eat left over food in out door restaurants, they kind of terrorize the elderly *snicker* and they play with the foals at the school yard -not sure how that last one makes them a danger to society but whatever- Anyway, the mayor didn't know what to do with them so Freesia had offered to take care of any animals that wonder into the town since well, once an animal gets a taste of garbage food and overcomes their fear of civilized ponies they decide that they don't want to live in the forest anymore; who would have thought?

And so, part of the city taxes were payed to her for 'keeping the town safe from wild beasts' Occasionally ponies come to the cottage to adopt the more tame animals, usually dogs, cats, birds, mice, and even a sea turtle... don't ask me how a sea turtle got from the ocean through the Everfree and into Ponyville because I have no clue and neither did Freesia. Aaaanywhoo... We all had to be extremely quiet because Freesia has super sensitive ears along with a lot of the animals, can you believe that she actually built some homes for the rodents into the walls of the cottage?! Whenever my friends come over they think that I built it and I'm just like 'nope!' It is pretty nice though. You can just walk over to the stairs and hold out a hoof next to some intentional holes and a little squirrel or something will hop out onto your leg.

So summer time; I spent most of it lazing about in the basement or hanging out with friends. I met up with Rainbow Dash and though there was definitely some tension between us, awkwardness from her and resentment from me, we at least patched up enough to hang out once and a while. Don't worry, we eventually got back together, but that's part of the next section of my life, as for right now; I was getting to know Freesia a little bit better each day.

I discovered some unsettling things; I noticed how she would spend most of the day either laying on the couch or sitting outside in a lounging chair in the vast meadow. It really is very beautiful out here you know, the front of the cottage is very welcoming but the backyard... words can't describe its serenity. And there's always an adorable animal to play with. Oh speaking of animals, no wait, I'll get to that in a little bit.

Anyway, so ya, Freesia didn't really get a lot of physical activity it seemed, well, other than yoga. And some days she was bedridden. I really didn't want to pry but after a while I just blurted out the question. And... well... I learned that she had cancer... for the second time; she'd beat twice before and this was the third... what do they call it? Remission I think? Anyway, she also had several other illnesses, some terminal, some not. By all accounts she shouldn't have been alive. But Freesia is strong. Stronger than anypony I've met. Everypony thinks of the Princesses as strong, living immortals who move the sun and moon. But that's the thing, their gods, we're mortal. We're finite, we age, we grow weak, and we die.

But there are some of us, some small few who hold an unbelievable strength, some who can refuse to grow weak from sheer force of will; some who hold an inner strength that makes them immortal all on their own, some like Freesia. Freesia is strong. If ever there was to be a pony who would embody strength, it would be Freesia.

We soon began spending a lot of time together, we'd sit in her living room watching TV; I'd always curl up on an armchair -why do ponies have armchairs anyway? Like, if we were bi-pedal I could understand but we're not so... what gives?- Anyway, we became very good friends.

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Oh right! The animals. A lot of days I'd go around the cottage and sit down in front of one of them and I'd kinda just sit there and stare at them... after a while they might slowly crawl up. Then I'd try to reach my hoof out and they'd scuttle away and I'd be like 'damn it...' and I'd try again with another animal.

Animals are shy, especially non domestic ones. Freesia started teaching me how to sit calmly in front of them and just wait patiently "just because you want to touch them doesn't mean they want to touch you." she'd say. It was very hard at first, they're just so adorable! I just wanted to pick them up and snuggle them! But I disciplined myself, I learned to be patient and calm and eventually they did start to hop up to me. I love staring into an animal's big eyes. It's so relaxing.

When you look into a pony's eyes you see so much. So much emotion it's almost deafening, like having a hundred voices yelling into your ears at once. It's almost painful. But an animal.. their eyes are so quiet. So... I don't wanna say empty... innocent... I guess... they don't worry if they left the stove on at home or fret about something mean a co-worker said to them; they don't debate politics and religion, they don't wage wars, they aren't prejudice... most of all, they don't lie.

You they say that looking into a pony's eyes lets you see what they're really like, but in truth, all you see is the version of them that they want you to see. But looking into an animal's eyes... you just see them. Only them. And usually they're very calm. Not necessarily loving, but definitely friendly. Most animals want companionship. Living so long in the wild afraid of predators, always wondering if seeing a creature of another species means that she should run or eat it. But when a pony comes along, they just don't know what to think of you. We act so contradictory towards the rest of nature.

An animal sees another creature and it decides one of three things, kill and eat, run like a bat out of Tartaurus, or defensively fight. And usually that's because the other creature chooses one of those three as well. But ponies don't usually do any of those, we see and animal and we get the strangest of all urges, we want to touch it. We want to run our hooves across the warm soft fur and hug the animal.

Why? It's really a very strange urge when you think about it, no other animal does that with another species without training. They don't like to go outside of their comfort zone, they follow the crowd if you will. But ponies don't, we want to be friends with animals; why is this? I never would have debated these questions before meeting Freesia, but she showed me a lot about the world, she taught me a lot about philosophy and tuaght me to always question things, to wonder, to ponder things that I don't understand or ponder things that I THINK I understand.

So I came to genuinely love animals even more so than I already had. I still wasn't ready to give up meat yet. What? Oh ya, imagine me, Fluttershy a meat eater of all ponies. Well ya, for a long time I was practically a carnivore. Sorry vegetarians but nothing beats a nice juicy medium well done steak with some A1 sauce... oh my mouth is watering now... but ya, eventually I kinda just stopped eating meat. Living with animals that you take care of for several years will do that do you, especially when you become friends with Applejack who has some cows on her orchard and they legitimately speak Equestrian and then... ya... it's... awkward... disturbing is more like it...

Do all cows talk? Is it even legal to kill and eat them? Must be, you can order burgers and steaks and any restaurant... hmm... anyway, I also got to know Freesia's two special little pets; Roland and Angel. Roland was a very very old tortoise, he's actually Tank's father. Big guy too. I loved hanging out with him though. Mostly because he was the least skiddish of all the animals. Most of the time I'd just sit on the armchair with Roland in my lap which was a little uncomfortable with how big he was. But it was nice, having an animal that wouldn't just run off after a few minutes. Roland would sit in my lap for as long as I wanted and he was always somewhere close by it seemed.

Angel Bunny however was a different story. Freesia had found him shivering in a garbage can one day, he was trying to find somewhere insulated to escape the frigged cold of the Autumn night. Apparently he'd suffered a lot of abuse from ponies throughout his life according to Freesia; I asked how she'd know that since she'd never known him from before that day and she answered with a cryptic, 'because we talked about it.' which confused me for a while. Animals don't talk, well, other than cows apparently but you get the point. And I did too. Or so I thought.

I remember how skeptic I felt and must have looked, talking to animals? Really? But I believed her, not in the sense that she probably meant, I was thinking more along the lines of how you can just sort of look at them and if you know them long enough you can kinda just feel what they want to say. Nope, turns out you can have a legitimate conversation with one, most ponies are just too dumb to try and listen. And I mean really listen not just wait to hear them make a sound.

There's the big loud hyper energetic language that ponies speak and then there's the quiet calm soft language that animals speak. They don't always use their mouths to speak though some do. Cats can meow and hiss while dogs can bark and growl. We think that we can hear those sounds but we really can't. Every bark or grow or whimper or whatever that a dog makes is a word or even a sentence. They're just as capable of producing an entire language from various sounds of their mouth as we are.

Then there are animals like rabbits who don't have as wide a range of vocal sounds so instead they supplement they're voice with body gestures, little twitches of the nose, glances of the eyes, fwips of their tail and ears or even downright sign language with their paws and feet.

all animals are more than capable of communicating fully developed and complex conversations, you just need to know what to look for. Learning how to talk to animals is just as hard or easy as learning another language. Except with animals, when you learn one language, you learn them all.

You see, language is what makes us an advanced society, we can communicate our ideas and share thoughts with another pony; thing is, there's some thoughts or ideas that are very hard to describe with one sound and as such, we developed complex and intricate words; each civilization developed different sounds making different languages. But they all stem from the universal soft language of the world. Of nature.

Back before we had such language we used the same speech that animals do, grunts, whinnies, snorts, neighs. We still do use those sometimes. Just look at a standard conversation with another pony, you'll see their hooves moving around chaotically to supplement they're speech as if physically communicating what their mouth is saying. It's almost reflexive. Don't believe me? Try and sit down with a friend and have a conversation, clasp your forehooves behind your back, don't move your head, neck, or torso, and stare directly into their eyes as you communicate each word; and don't even use facial gestures like smiling or scowling either. It ain't easy is it? Your body naturally wants to express what you're saying but you're not letting it and it starts to get agitated with you because of it. The hardest part of all is trying to not communicate with your eyes.

And by that I mean showing your emotion with what your talking about through the eye contact; that's the most difficult thing of all to resist. But The soft language is the base language of all living creatures, and anypony can learn it if they devote enough time to it. And all animals speak it; so even though different methods are used for speaking it; dogs and cats and birds are vocal while rodents are physical and sign language filled; learning the soft language lets you speak to all animals. The soft language isn't limited to a specific sound frequency like the loud language is. Actually, even the loud language is applicable to non verbal communication such as sign language. Point being, Freesia learned the soft language, and she's very good and speaking it. The cool thing is, you don't have to speak the soft language, animals can hear the soft language undertone to your loud language. They can understand the ideas and images and feelings you're trying to project through your voice.

Now, whether or not they choose to listen is entirely up to them. So if it looks like they can't understand a word you're saying, it's probably because they're just plain ignoring you.

Anyway, Angel Bunny and I did not get along when we first met -imagine that- It's not really his fault. Throughout his life he'd suffered horrible abuse... And because of it he'd learned to distrust most ponies; if I walked into a room he'd snap his gaze around to me and stare me down. If I walked too close he'd bolt from the room and DANG can he run!

He's a pretty cool bunny though. Eventually I got him to at least tolerate my presence. Freesia laughed at our antics. Sometimes I'd silently sit behind him and poke him a bit; he'd whip his head around and glare at me, it was so adorable. I'd poke him again and then he'd bite me and I'd yelp and Freesia would yell at us to stop acting like foals.

We'd both hang our heads and apologize. In a way we sort of became siblings; in the months to come he got more and more comfortable around me and soon we were out in the meadow running around and just playing around. He still had a problem with other ponies though. And he still gives me a hard time every now and then. I think it's because he sees us as equals instead of me as his matron. Freesia's his matron and that's all there is to it, nopony can replace her and I certainly didn't want to try; I don't want that memory of her to ever disappear, the way that the animals view her; that love they hold even in her absence, it's a constant reminder of her warmth and motherly love that makes the cottage so comforting to anypony who strolls on by. I never want that warmth to leave so I try to add to it as much as I can.

You know... I think that's definitely the word I'd give to her, Mother. Mama's too immature for her, I'm Mama, I'm still growing but Freesia... she's Mother... she's wise and smart and strong. She's been around the whole world, learned countless languages, seen all the sights of the world, explored so many different religions and philosophies. Gosh... she has such a strong presence, just talking about her I can feel it; when's the last time I swore? A while ago, I've been censoring myself recently haven't I? *chuckle* she'd probably scowl at me if she heard my swear.

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I-I miss her... oh gods I miss her...

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Y-ya anyway, things moved on as per usual... Freesia and I would debate philosophies; I remember the first time we started talking about it actually, "do you know the first thing they ask you in philosophy class?" she asked me.

I shook my head indicating a no.

"How do you know that chair is real?" she pointed at the chair in front of me.

I gave it some genuine contemplation before saying, "well... I can see it, I can sit in it without falling through... and somepony else can do the same."

She smiled and nodded in approval. Though I think she was a little disappointed that I didn't mention a key element that I'm aware of now which is: I don't know it's real because I could be dreaming this conversation.

After all, haven't you ever had those dreams where you go through an entire day of events only to wake up and discover that you'd dreampt it all up in your head? Ya, I've experienced. So in truth, you could be dreaming right at this moment and nothing around you could be real. Maybe the dream world is the real one and we just think that the waking world is fake because it's consistent.

Freesia taught me so much. In fact, I think the most important thing she taught me, was empathy. For the beginning half of my life, I'd been nice to ponies because I didn't want to make waves; I was being Necessaryshy just to avoid conflict. But Freesia taught me to use Necessaryshy not just for my own protection, but for others, to consider how other's are feeling, to genuinely care about how others feel; to hold the philosophy of Jyn -conscientious love- to care for all living things even if they make me mad sometimes; to never hold genuine hate, to be... to be an empath. To feel what others are feeling and see them as an animal that's hurting, to want to comfort and love them even if they hold no love for me; because an animal needs love, especially small vulnerable ones, they have to trust anypony they meet because they can't really fight them off. Ponies can fight, but they can't fight how they feel; our problems plague us like predators and... and no matter... *sniffle* n-no matter how m-messed up our lives get... n-no matter how b-bad we become... we... we need... we need... we deserve that one pony w-who we c-can *sob* c-can just lean on and cry in front of... *sob* W-we all need a Freesia... we need a mother w-who can hold us and s-say it'll be OK and that we're not a b-bad pony... *sputter* w-we need... we need...

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*sob*

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We need Kindness.

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*sigh*

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She became almost like a surrogate mother to me... actually, no she did become a surrogate mother; she's Freesia, my mother.

I think I was very happy you know? We all want to find that one pony that we can look up to, we want to find an idol to aspire towards, somepony to be our role model and I'd found mine. This was further emphasized by my flesh and blood mother going into her mid-life crisis.

But I'll get to all that tomorrow. Ya... I think I'll save the ultimate stuff for tomorrow, the part with the most straneous part in my mom and I's life, the huge argument with Freesia, the death of a family member, forming a new relationship with Dash, and... and... my own motherhood... That's what all this boils down to I think... motherhood... ya..

That's tomorrow's chapter then... Motherhood. The finall chapter in my life. Why the final? Because I'm still living it as we speak.

*deep breath and exhale* well then... I guess this is me, Fluttershy... soldiering on.

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	5. Motherhood

Chapter five, Mother

-Mothers. The most beautiful creatures on the planet, the ones with whome the strongest bond in nature exists, mother and child. It is something that has astonished philosophers and defied scientific logic. When regarding the connection between a mother and child, we act irrationally, we disregard every lesson we've ever been taught. Because no matter what may be, no matter what may come; we can't help but love our mothers and a mother can never fight the primordial and unconditional love for her child.- excerpt from the secret book of Bemnal the Fallen

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Hello, Fluttershy here. OK so... I guess this is it then... the last chapter...

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Um... OK... *deep breath and exhale* this is... hard to talk about...

So, where to begin?

Well I suppose I'll just pick up where I left off, so I was living with Freesia and um... my mom was going through a mid life crisis. I started seeing less and less and less of her as time passed by.

She was off dating a guy here and a guy there; meeting each and every one of them online. Freesia was getting really annoyed at her actually, she noticed how my mom was slacking in her duties as a mother and... well... Freesia started calling her out on it.

I sort of... grew distant from my mom, I started to think of her as another mare instead of my mom; truthfully, I almost had it set in my mind that like, Freesia was my mom while my blood mom was kinda drifting away from being a parent. She was acting... pretty immature. She also picked up drinking... got pretty bad after a while...

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She got a ticket for public drunkenness or whatever it's called and eventually Freesia and I guilted her into going to AA. So ya... things were... preeeeeety bad for a while...

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I spent a lot of time with Freesia though... she... got sick... like, more sick then she normally is; she ended up bed ridden for a week. I was kind of freaking out the whole time. At one point I actually tried to make her promise that she wouldn't die. The response I got wasn't what I was expecting.

"So I have to stay suffering in this diseased body just because you don't want to lose me? Fuck you."

I really didn't know what to say to that; I hadn't really considered how she felt about the matter, I had placed her so high in my mind that the very idea of Freesia being upset or depressed or suffering was ludicrous I mean... it's Freesia for Celestia's sake! Freesia's invincible! That was what I'd done... I'd idolized her, I'd placed her on such a high pedastle that once I was forced to see the truth that she's just a normal Earth Pony... I didn't want to accept it.

I didn't want to except that Freesia was sick, I didn't want to accept that she was dying, I didn't want to accept that she was... weak... frail, deteriorating... I didn't want to accept that she had any flaws; I'd made her a goddess in my mind and being presented with the truth that she wasn't...

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I just couldn't deal with it. Freesia wasn't perfect, she'd contemplated suicide, she'd thought about just ending it all; how could somepony in her position not? Bedridden half the time, stuck indoors the other half; dying each second while your cancer ticks your life span away like an alarm clock, you just keep waiting for that loud ear piercing ring that you know is coming but you just... you just want it to happen already, the suspense is agonizing; even more so, being in constant physical pain due to Celestia knows how many other illnesses.

Physical agonizing pain in every bone never once giving you rest; like burning, like being on fire every second of every day; not having the appetite to eat, not being able to go outside, not being- *choke* not being able to enjoy life...

*whimper*

N-not being able to live...

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What kind of life is that? And then this stupid little filly has the nerve to want you to promise that you'll continue that hellish existence just because she's too weak to go on without you?

Ya I'd get pretty pissed too...

I'd thought about suicide before... back in Jericho's house, some time after Dash had ended whatever it was that we had, I'd been lying up in Jiff's room on the ground, not thinking, not crying, just staring out into nothing.

I pondered every now and then the shitty circumstances that I'd been thrown into against my will; I looked up and saw Jiff's pocket knife. And for a moment, I actually considered it. Almost immediately afterwards I started crying; I became hysterical, I couldn't believe that I'd fallen that far, that's when I realized that I needed to get out of there at any and all costs.

You know what really stopped me? Fear. I was afraid of what was waiting for me in the afterlife; the bible tells us that suicides go to hell. What was the point of killing myself if I'd just end up in a place even worse than where I already was? That was the only reason. Fear. Fear of going to hell for suicide. The only reason. Not family, not friends, not morality; fear. Just fear.

I was so afraid...

And was it I think... Freesia was afraid. And I just refused to see it; she was scared, just like everypony else, that's the hallmark of ponies, fear. Fear is what makes us equine, it's what makes us mortal.

One day Freesia showed me some pictures from her youth... She was so beautiful when she was young, still was even then too. She'd been around the entire world; she had pictures from the eastern islands and the shining deserts; the glistening snows of the north and the vast forests of the west, even the dry hot lands of the southern Zebra territories. I think that was when it sort of got through my thick skull... she had... she had lived... and I mean LIVED... she got to do all the things that nopony else ever has a chance to; everypony wants to go out on adventures; and she had. She had been throughout the whole world multiple times, she'd met so many ponies, she'd fell in love so many times, she'd learned all the languages of the world, she'd seen so much and done so many things... she'd lived a full life. Full lives actually... and still she wanted more, she wanted to do so much more with her life; she wanted to get married, have foals, be a mother... I wonder if that's why she's such a good mom... because she wants to be one herself but... just never got the chance... I was a stand in... she couldn't have her own foal so she settled for somepony else's...

Mom was afraid too I think... afraid of not being loved... afraid of not being accepted...

Which probably means that it definitely didn't help when that day came... oh that day...

Mom and Freesia had been arguing for a few hours; Freesia was getting on my mom's case about how she was being an irresponsible parent. It was... I don't know... I didn't rush to my mom's defense... maybe that was bad of me... I completely sided with Freesia 100% I kept flooding those memories through my mind; memories of Freesia and I talking about how amazing it was that I managed to come out of my past; how could Fluttershy, Element of Kindess emerge from... from my foalhood? I guess... all that pain... all that bullshit... all that suffering and anger and...

And everything... all's it did... was make me kind.

Mom stormed off to her room screaming at Freesia with tears running down her face. Everything that Freesia had told her had been the truth, mom became... well... not mom... she was a drunk, loose irresponsible mare who spent most of her time at home inside her room doing crossword puzzles all day. She wasn't even working, she was living off of well fare.

She packed up a bunch of stuff and headed towards the door; she yelled at me to come with her. I walked up to her and said no.

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She was sputtering; a nervous wreck really... she tried commanding me, bargaining, and finally begging; the whole time I stared back with a stoic face. I can't imagine how much pain I must've put her through by doing that. I'm her foal and I was basically pushing her away. I chose Freesia over her.

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That wasn't the right thing to do.

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I want to say it was but it wasn't, plain and simple. That was not an OK thing to do. My mom latched onto me like a leach as she balled her eyes out; I'd never seen her in this state before, I'd seen her break down and cry a lot but this was different. This was... kind of pathetic. I think that's the worst part, I didn't feel guilty or sad or angry, I just felt pity for this sad creature holding onto me.

I'm disgusted of how I acted that day. Can you imagine if your foal did that do you?

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I think the simple truth is that Freesia was sort of a bully to my mom. Always pointing out her flaws and making her feel generally horrible. Imagine if your foal chose the bully who made your life terrible over you. That's... unholy...

You know... I don't think I've ever apologized to her for that...

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I don't think I ever want to bring it up quite honestly.

My mom slumped back to her room defeated. A couple weeks passed. Mom was mostly quiet whenever I saw her. Even Freesia seemed uncharacteristically out of it. I went back to school for my senior year. I got out of my emo faze and let my mane return to normal; I made some new friends, focused on my school work and life just sort of flittered on.

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Ya, 'cause that's just how it is, life doesn't stop for you. It doesn't wait for you, it just keeps going, it doesn't care what you're going through, it just keeps... going...

Life... ya... anyway, things kept on like that for a while, mom and Freesia started talking to each other after a few weeks and my mom and I slowly grew a little closer but there was definitely a rift between us now.

Freesia and mom both kept pressuring me to get a job, I kept procrastinating, I didn't want to give up my free hours, I wanted to play video games and write stories and hang out with friends. Eventually Freesia made me an offer; she began training me in how to tend to the animals, how to tend to all of them. And soon I was helping out around the cottage earning money for it, sort of like mowing lawns or foalsitting, it was just an odd-job that got me some bits; I like it, it was fun. She also started teaching me the soft language of the animals, it took a long time but eventually I began to pick it up; animals have a lot ot say you know. Not all of them, but some just won't shut up once they realize that you can understand them. I like it though.

My mind doesn't like to just stop or calm down, that's why I have such trouble meditating with Freesia, but ya... I like being able to talk to them, I'm never alone, I never have to stop thinking, I'm always busy, I can always hear them talking, and it's just plain adorable to see the little critters rolling around. Seeing them tumbling around and snuggling really brings a smile to my face.

Anyway...

OK so about halfway into the year something really bad happened between me and Freesia; I honestly cannot recall what the argument was about but we got to shouting at each other which almost never happens. And it got pretty bad, I'd never been so mad at her before; and what really pissed me off was how authoritative she was being, it really irked me because well... she's a fifty year old fail lady who's got cancer and is bedridden half the time... I could take her basically and that was what was pissing me off, this little old lady who isn't really a threat to me was trying to order me around and belittle me.

I got so mad, I can't remember what I said but I think I threatened her; she told me to get out or she'd call the police. I stormed out, face red with anger.

I walked around the neighborhood for a while; I thought about everything, I thought about hurting her, I thought about hating everypony, I thought about just letting loose and attacking everypony I've ever hated, I wanted to be a monster, I wanted to not care that I was one.

But I didn't do any of that, I grumbled to myself like a foal and found my way to Cheeriliee's house. Oh hey, did you know that Cheerilee wasn't all that cheery when she was younger? She was actually super mellow; happy mind you but mellow, always half lidded eyes and just a few words here and there. but we hung out a lot. I like her, she's really down to Earth you know? Never in a million years did I suspect that she'd become a teacher, that REALLY threw me for a loop.

When I got there and asked if I could just hang out for a while she ushered me in. She had this movie that I was really looking forward to for a long time and that immediately brightened my day. I then felt really foalish for how I'd acted and wanted to say how sorry I was to Freesia. After I got home I apologized for being a disrespectful idiot.

A year passed Winter came and went, Spring sprung, I was walking home with Dash. We were down in the basement, I felt a little bad because I'd missed her 18th birthday even though she'd been there for my 19th.

We talked for some time and sat on the couch on our rumps... we watched TV...

I started to get horny ideas; we'd been talking about restarting our old thing on the way home except I had to agree to keep it a secret and not do anything public this time.

After a few minutes of TV I stuck my hoof between her legs and began fondling her rose. She sighed and cooed until we heard my mom beginning her descent down the stairs prompting us to quickly act like nothing was going on. After she left I stuck my face between her legs and began eating her out. She rubbed my head and sighed in contentment.

Somehow we wound up with me on me knees with my forelegs wrapped around her withers while I buried my muzzle in her crotch and her standing on two legs with her forehoove on top of my head for support.

After she climaxed I scissored her and ground that blue pussy for all it was worth. Afterwards her mom arrived and she had to quickly rush into the bathroom to clean up and leave.

A couple days later I had to tell somepony about our 'reformed relationship' so I told Freesia, she laughed in response, "I knew she was gay!" I rolled around on the floor in laughter, how could I not?

A week later Dash called the whole thing off and said we should just stay friends; was I miffed? Yes, yes I was... I didn't much have it in me to continue worrying about it; it was sort like... at this point, I just don't fucking care anymore. So ya, time passed.

Summer came.

I continued to work for Freesia. Time passed.

I grew up. My mom and I got back into our old relationship of mother and daughter, she stopped drinking and found a very nice coltfriend who everypony approved of, the first good guy she'd ever brought home. Freesia also had a few flings here and there. Some stallions, some mares.

Me? I gave up on romance for a very long time.

I turned 20... that... horrible year...

Freesia's cancer hit her hard, she lost her mane in emo and was bedridden almost constantly, she rarely spent any time with us; we got a second fridge installed solely so that she could keep her own organic food away from our contamination. I began taking care of the animals more and more as Freesia was able to do it less and less.

I was a nervous wreck for most of it. I kept playing my old conversations with Freesia over in my mind, "good ponies die young so I'll live forever." "Celestia's just playing a cruel joke on me, I'll live to be a hundred and ten and die in a car accident or something."

Tears poured from my eyes as I thought about it. I didn't want to look at her, I didn't want to see her weak like that. But the more time went on, the more lively she seemed. Even as Roland passed away leaving poor Angel alone, he rarely spent any time with the other animals save for Roland, he looked so alone all the time and with Freesia like that...

I tried to spend more time with him but he would always either run away or bat at my face if I picked him up. He was as distraught as I was. Time sped up, I thought it would slow down and it did for a while, but soon it began speeding up.

That dull ache... I wanted it to go away... I didn't want time to speed up... I...

I really don't feel comfortable talking about this...

...

...

The day came... I went into her room; she looked... like shit... but at the same time there was still that fire in her eyes; a burning inferno of power and life. And it seemed brighter than usual; it was almost like the the weaker her body got the stronger that fire became, like she was leaving the broken shell behind only to pass into something stronger. I think that's when I realized it. That body wasn't her, it didn't represent her, it was that fire. That was Freesia. Her love, her wisdom, her strength radiated like a burning hearth. And there was nothing on this Earth that could extinguish it.

"Hey kid..." she forced out in a raspy weak voice. I felt my heart break at hearing that scratchy sound.

"H-hi..." I responded in shaky tone.

She took a few moments to swallow, "hey... you know... that... lake? Down... by the... bottom of the... mead...ow?"

I nodded.

"... I want to... go see it..."

I blinked, "but... you can't be out of bed..."

"Kid..." she gave me The Stare, "I'm not going to waste away in here."

I avoided her gaze and shifted awkwardly... a few moments passed and I got her wheele chair. Mom was still asleep, it was really early in the morning. I got Freesia out of the house and we went down to the lake. The sun was just a few minutes from rising. We sat and watched the butterflies flutter around the water, the same kind that had saved me when I'd fallen *sob* from the sky...

And it... was really beautiful... even the misquotes looked pretty, little lilies *whimper* o-on the lake bed... a-and...

*sobs*

*sobs*

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The cold air blowing f-felt nice b-because of the summer heat a-and...

*hysterical crying*

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And the sun started to come up... t-that pretty pinkish orange light that flew over the water and the landscape *blows nose* was so nice...

I... I.. listened to the early birds... they were singing... before I knew it we were surrounded by all the animals... They d-didn't speak... they were just quiet...

Freesia's breathing was so soft... but her eyes stared out at the lake with that burning fire; more powerful then any blaze I'd ever seen before. I had no idea how she could be so strong right now. I knew... all the animals knew... she knew...

She was dying... right here, right now.

A-and... *shudder* and she was meeting it head on..

'Cause she's a-awesome like that. If she's gonna die, she's not going to take it lying down, she's gong out kicking and screaming and staring death in the eye making him recoil. She's so strong... and I love her so much...

I started breaking down... I was a dribbling mess. I collapsed into her lap and sobbed into her chest. I didn't want her to die; but I couldn't say that. I couldn't demean her strength right now. I couldn't do anything to ruin this moment. This was her moment. Not mine.

When I managed to lift my head up I saw that she was looking down at me with an almost blank expression; almost morbid, I think her facial muscles were just too deteriorated to show any emotion; but her eyes were burning with passion and life... and love...

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...

I nuzzled into her as tears and snot trailed down my muzzle. I tried to reach a state of calm, to give her some dignity in this moment, and through a moment of pondering I think I finally came to terms with what I needed to say. I opened my mouth to speak for the first time since leaving the Cottage and said: "Thank you for being my mommy." granted I said it through a bunch of sputters and sobs...

I felt her gentle hoof on my head rubbing my mane.

I found a sort of calm in that moment, I felt my sobbing stop; almost like the admittance allowed me to let go of the suffering and pain. I just felt... warm.

I think I fell asleep after a while.

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I woke up to my mom screaming, I opened my eyes and saw her on her rump sputtering as she gapped and covered her mouth. I didn't need to ask what was wrong. My head was pressed against Freesia's chest...

...

I didn't hear a heart beat...

...

I stayed like that for a long time, just holding Freesia's body, the animals were huddled around us.

Who do you call when something like this happens? My mom called the paramedics. I didn't fight when they took her body into the ambulance and rushed her to the Ponyville hospital. I knew it was pointless at that point. She was dead. Not the morbid kind of dead, the willing dead. She let go; she was gone, finally free of that withering hellish prison. She w-... she was finally free. *sob* she's free...

And sad as I was... I was a little happy... she could go on to wherever ponies go. If there's a legitimate Celestian heaven they damn well better let her in if they know what's good for them.

...

...

Time passed... arrangements were made... She wanted to be cremated and have her ashes spread off the bridge into the ocean next to her home town.

But ya... I'm happy... she's off in... somewhere a hell of a lot better than here.

...

...

...

If she gets reincarnated she better come back as an Alicorn or a dragon or something that physically embodies how awesome she is!

...

...

ya. So time went by...

Turns out one of the days that she'd called somepony over to talk with her she'd sorted her affairs out. She left some money for her niece; sent some stuff to a few close friends, and had the deed to the Cottage along with it's animal shelter responsibilities signed over to me. I still can't go in her room... It just feels too weird... So I stayed living in the basement for the time being. A lot of stuff was like that... there were just things that I couldn't touch... like pieces of Freesia left behind. Like the couch she always lay on... the fridge she had to use... even the bathtub in the bathroom next to her bedroom. There were just things in her house that I couldn't touch. Not that I couldn't go near them but... I just couldn't use them. I couldn't lay on the couch, I couldn't sleep in her room, I couldn't use her bathtub. It just didn't feel right.

To this day I still only use the shower downstairs. And only sick or injured animals get to use the couch. and the tub was only used to wash the animals incapable of cleaning themselves.

I think the animals were appreciative of the respect I was showing, they didn't say anything about it but... I could sense they felt the same way about these parts of the house.

Eventually mom got a new job; unfortunately it was somewhere in Canterlot so she eventually moved out due to how long the trip back and forth was. I devoted most of my time to tending towards the animals.

Angel had been silent for most of the time, one day I was just sitting int he living room and he quietly walked into the room. He stared up at me for a little bit and just jumped into my lap where he cried his little eyes out. I held him and started crying too. We became very close after that.

And so... that's how things were for a while... not much happened for a few years... Pinkie Pie moved to town and Dash introduced me to her. Dashie got a job at the cloud weather team. Applejack took over the orchard after her parents died. Rarity moved in the neighborhood and set up shop. Dash was always complaining about how prissy she was. I met her one day when I went into the shop and we became fast friends.

She's actually not as snobbish as a lot of ponies think she is; ya she picks on her little sister a lot but have you seen the kind of hell that Sweetie puts her through?! Rarity's actually very kind hearted.

A couple years passed, I was around 23 when Twilight first arrived. And then all of our crazy adventures began. They were extremely fun actually. I think about three years passed, I was... 26 when Twilight was inaugurated as Princess.

That's when the most recent event started, Dash knocked on my door one day, it was very spontaneous; I welcomed her in and we talked.

I almost laughed at what she suggested. She wanted a date. A date! A real actual, public date! Well... it wasn't like I had anything better to do. I accepted and we went on our little date; it was rather simplistic actually, we just ate at Sugarcube Corner and had a few laughs, we talked about this and that and soon we went home. She walked me right up to my cottage door and... well... she kissed me... on the lips... which by all previous accounts was a very big deal. I was... speechless.

I kind of just stood there with a lightly shocked expression while she fidgeted around nervously. I shook my head and stared at the ground silently; how was I supposed to feel? I mean... after everything... but I'd said yes to the date... ugh... my head hurt and I just wanted to go inside, ofcource I didn't want to make waves so I turned back to her and smiled saying, "thanks... for tonight..." before heading inside.

A couple days passed before we met up again. Her scheduled as a Wonderbolt was pretty erratic due to spontaneous shows during the summers but as Autumn came around that changed, she had a predictable schedule allowing us to go on more regular dates.

I think neither of us really wanted to mention the past. Our bumpy relationship... the chaos... the... everything... but that was all over now, we actually had a somewhat normal relationship.

...

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I like it.

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...

two years later she proposed to me and at the age of 28 I was finally married to somepony I loved and just couldn't stop kissing. Neither of us gave a crap what our friends thought; we had lots of fun together, and I never stopped learning life lessons from my friends.

Eventually the conversation popped up... the one that I really didn't want to talk about... foals. Dash wanted to have a foal.

I didn't.

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...

I'm sorry but I hate foals. I really do. They're Tartaurus spawn! I... do.. NOT... like them... eeeeevviiilllllll...

But eventually Dash talked me into it and I honestly did begin to like the idea of having a little itty bitty foal that would look up at me and say 'mama!' It gave me the giggles. I am a mare after all and nature did intend for me to be a mom... a mother...

If I were to be a mother... hmm... well, like every parent I'd want to be a better mom than my own mom and I certainly would want my foal to have a better upbringing then I did... I'd want to be a parent like freesia.

We discussed it, and decided to use a sperm bank doner. We argued over who would be the actual mom though.

"Come on flutters, please?" She whined.

"No." I replied with a stern glare, "if one of us is carrying a foal, it's going to be me. Period."

"Whhhhyyyyyyyyy?"

"Becaus you're irresponsible and a total klutz, you end up in the hospital at least three times a month, you get into at least a hundred fights a year, you're a professional athlete, shall I go on?"

Dash grumbled to herself.

There was no way in Tartaurus I was letting Dash be in charge of incubating our foal, it'd be lucky to survive the first Trimester.

So I got pregnant. It took a few months before my belly began to swell; and I'll be honest, I freaked out at first. The weight of my decision began to fall heavily on my shoulders... I'm going to be a mom! I was frantic with worry, I panicked like there was no tomorrow; essentially... I freaked the fuck out.

It was... pretty bad... I was spazing, I was sputtering, I was... I was not OK.

Dash was always there to try and calm me down; I was a sobbing wreck, I didn't want foals! What had I done?! I lay awake at night panicking as I considered the gravity of what I'd done. I can't be a mom! I can barely take care of myself! I raise animals easily enough but a foal isn't an animal! A foal turns into a teenager which is just a little ball of angst and drama that I don't need! Aaaarrrgggghhhh! Why did I agree to this?!

Then the second Trimester came... I was considerably calmer. It was when I felt that first kick... that's when I truly came to realize... I'm carrying life inside me...

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...

A small smile tugged at the corner of my mouth... I'm a mama... I suppose it was then that I realized just how much I wanted to be a mom. I began spending my days rubbing my tummy and my nights reading stories to it.

A little while before Twilight had come to Ponyville I had a second floor added to the Cottage so that I could have my own room the way I wanted it, my mom's former room became a guest bedroom and... I had Freesia's room sealed off.

A few months before the delivery Dash and I were picking out clothes for the foal to keep her warm. I was absolutely positive that I'd have a filly which just earned some laughter from Dash.

So ya...

The last few weeks... I... um...

*shaky breath* I uh... *swallow* I was really excited... and um...

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I wasn't ready...

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How could I be? How could any mare be ready for that? For... for...

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*swallow*

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*sigh*

There's no way anypony could be prepared for what happened... nopony was expecting it... the whole pregnancy went smoothly... no problems... I ate right... I got the proper kind of exercise... I did everything in the parenting manual to a T...

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I think if it had happened beforehoof... like... if it had happened during the birthing process... it might have been easier to handle... at least by a small portion...

...

I was rushed into the hospital... my water broke... I was in pain...

Things rushed by in the blink of an eye... I was suddenly in the hospital room, I had the anesthetics... Dashie was their holding my hoof... I was raging like a berserk bull.

I was in more pain than I could ever explain. Dash tried to tell me to calm down.

"YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN? CALM THIS!" I headbutted her and knocked her ass out. The doctors were a little weary from that point on as Dash's unconscious body hung by her hoof which I had locked in an iron grip wihtin my own.

I screamed and wailed, I swore and kicked and fought and cried...

Then I heard another crying... my little Miracle... that's what I named her...

*sniffle* coat as blue as Dashie's... my flaring pink mane in a little scruntch on the center of her head... *hysterical laugh* she looked so silly...

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I held her... for a while... they took her away... Dash eventually woke up and went to the section of the hospital where all the fathers can see their newborns...

The next day... I awoke exhausted in the hospital bed... Dash came in... she wasn't smiling...

"Um... F-flutters... I... I... um..."

My heart sank immediately as a thousand possible outcomes flashed though my head.

"Miracle... sh-she... uh-um..." The doctor took over for her, "I'm so sorry Fluttershy... but your foal passed in the night."

I blinked. "What... ... ... ... what do you mean 'passed in the night?!'" I shrieked.

My heart started beating a million miles an hour, if this was some kind of fucking prank there would be hell to pay.

"SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome; we still don't know what causes it... some foals... perfectly healthy, born in a normal delivery... they... their hearts stop over night..."

My eye twitched, "what... ... ... ... ... .. ... .. ... .. .. .. .. no... no... no... no nono nonononononono... nonoononono... " I curld my hind legs up into my forelegs and rocked back and forth as I shook my head back and forth mouthing out that single word over and over.

Dash reached out a hoof but the doctor stopped her, they both left the room.

I don't know how much time passed... I... I screamed... it was all I could do... just... scream... scream as loud as my lungs would allow. I thrashed and kicked and knocked machines over; orderlies came in and sedated me.

All's I could think to myself was 'it's not fair.'

It's just not fair... It's not fucking fair... I was finally ready to have a foal... excited even... and then this happens...

What kind of justice is that? Hasn't the universe' karma kicked my ass enough?! I SAVED THE FUCKING WORLD THREE TIMES AND I CAN'T EVEN KEEP MY DAUGHTER?! WHAT THE FUCK?!

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I was so angry...

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I felt cheated. I carried her for so long, got so much stuff ready, I nursed her, I gave my life force to her... I put so much effort in... I had so much love for her, and so much more to give... and... she dies... and immediately after I got to hold her in my forelegs... like... the delivery was supposed to be the challenge, I passed it. I made it through... *shudder* and... and so did she! WE BOTH FUCKING MADE IT THROUGH! ...

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We deserved to have a life together... she deserved her life... she fought so hard... she grew in my tummy... she got through the pregnancy, she got through the delivery... I... I held her... she made it... she made it... she fought... a-and she won...

s-she... she deserved to live... she didn't... she didn't even get a chance to... oh gods...

*sob*

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Things... were tense for a while... Miracle was cremated and burried in the same graveyard that my mom's family used for generations.

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I wasn't OK.. I could never be OK... not after that... I still feel damaged... scarred... like... like a knife is cutting into me every second... I don't think I'll ever truly get over that... Freesia was different, she was ready to die, she'd lived a full life, fuller than most ponies could ever dream; she was ready and happy to move on...

Miracle didn't even get the chance to live... she lived for 18 hours and 22 minutes...

A couple months passed... Friends came by to give their condolences...

I had nights where I considered demanding that Celestia bring her back; after all I'd saved her kingdom from how many threats? Don't I at least deserve this one boon? I never did.

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It wouldn't have been right, it wouldn't have been natural.

*sigh*

After a few more months I was up and about again, I had returned to as much of normality as I could achieve; after all, that's all I could really do right? Soldier on.

Soldier on.

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...

I took up a few more hobbies, I learned basket weaving, candy making, carpentry, things that kept me busy.

Dash never mentioned having another foal but about a year after the incident, she suggested something else.

"ADOPTION?!" I quaked as I stared gaping at her. She shifted uncomfortably and looked around the room, anywhere but at my eyes; good, she wouldn't have liked what she saw.

"Ya yanno... there's plenty of foals out there that don't have any parents of their own..." She scuffed a hoof at the floor.

I closed my mouth and glared at the ground.

My anger eventually seethed away into minor agitation, I was still miffed that she'd even suggest such a thing but... well... she did have a point... and I did still want to be a mom...

"...fine..." I said quietly.

Dash's ears perked up as she looked excitedly at me, "r-really?! W-we don't have to if you really don't wa-" "just... ... just do it before I change my mind..." I walked off up the stairs to our room without glancing back at her.

I really just didn't care anymore... I ticked and I just. Didn't. Care.

Oh, but I couldn't just leave it like that! But I... I was too... dull... I was too dull, I was... numb.

The next few days we didn't speak to each other, she went off for a week for a Wonderbolts show and I spent my time tending to the animals.

Angel died... bunnies don't live that long so I don't know why I was surprised. I held it in... I buried all the emotion deep inside; I gave him a little viking buriel on the lake down by meadow where Freesia died. That's kinda what I do with any animals that die in my care. I don't know why, it just feels right; like they can pass on through that lake the same way Freesia did...

There's something healing about that lake... whenever I go down there it just feels so soothing... like I can feel the life force of all the animals frolicking around... like Freesia's there with me...

I spent a lot of time down there in those days; I just needed somewhere I could stop thinking, somewhere I could just... be... just exist... with no emotion, no thoughts... just simply be. It's the only place I can properly meditate.

Then Dash came home... with our little adoptee. And can you guess who it was?

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...

Scootaloo.

Were you expecting that? I certainly wasn't!

I stared down at her blinking.

A long awkward silence passed. Dash sat there with a big forced grin on her face, the kind that a filly cuaght with her hoof in the cookie jar would wear. A 15 year old Scootaloo fidgeted and scuffed her hoof at the floorboards.

I remember thinking '... what... what... no really... what...'

And then I looked to Rainbow Dash and said the stupidest thing ever, "you're kidding right?"

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Are you imagining the jaw dropping tention that that created? Multiply it by ten and you'll have some inkling of what it was like at that moment.

Dash stared at me with an offended look, Scootalolo stared at the floor looking like she was ready to cry.

Nopony spoke.

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...

A lot of awkwardness filled the room...

I shook my head, "I can't deal with this right now." and left the room.

I was in our room upstairs with my face buried in my pillow. I was not a happy camper.

I think I could faintly hear Scootaloo crying downstairs. Dashie came up to yell at me.

"What the fuck Fluttershy?!"

"mmmphhhfmmm.." was my response.

Dash practically snarled, "Seriously! What the hell?... Fluttershy!" she shook me violently, I pulled my head up, "WHAT?!" I yelled back.

"What the hell was that?! You don't just... what the fuck?!"

I shrugged and dropped my head back into my pillow.

Dash groaned before walking out of the room, "I expected better from you." was the last thing she said.

I didn't reply. I didn't care, I didn't care that she had no fucking right to say that to me given how big of a fuck up she is and I didn't care that I was an asshole. I just didn't care... I didn't care about anything...

My dad died of lung cancer even though he'd quit smoking, Freesia was gone, Angel was gone, my zero day old daughter was ripped out of my hooves. I just didn't give a fuck anymore you know?

I sort of just... fell into a dull ache... that old familiar ache... Time passed...

Scootaloo was staying in the guest bedroom downstairs. She avoided eye contact with me for the next few days. Dash would glare at me whenever I looked to her, I'd just shrugged indifferently in response.

Dash didn't sleep next to me in bed, she slept downstairs in the basement; ironically in my old bed which I hadn't moved out. so ya... that was our life for a little while... very tense.

Eventually came the pivotal moment... see... Freesia had this one cabinet... it could stand on its own on the floor... it's in the kitched next to the archway leading towards the living room and... it was Freesia's favorite cabinet filled with fine china collected from all over the world...

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...

As you can imagine... it was very important to her... and she'd said so herself; and so it was very important to me... it's also a reminder of her...

I think you can guess what happened.

Scootaloo was being... well, Scootaloo, and ended up embedding her scooter into the cabinet's glass doors shattering them as well as the fine china inside.

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I'm not proud of what happened next...

I rushed down the stairs thinking that somepony had broken a plate while doing the dishes or something as that happens now and again and I myself have done such on occasion. But instead I arrive at the sight... of Scootaloo shaking her head as she slowly got up from the floor wincing with a rather large shard of glass in her hind leg.

I walked over to her... I looked down at the broken glass... and looked up at the shattered china cabinet...

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I snapped. That was the last straw, the feather that broke the camel's back...

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Scootaloo looked up at me as I stared blankly at the demolished cabinet, "Um... I-I'm really sorry Flu-"

She didn't get a chance to finish.

After everything I'd been through, I'd lost Freesia, I'd lost my dad, I'd lost Angel... and I'd lost my daughter... my daughter... MY DAUGHTER! MY FUCKING DAUGHTER THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE AND NOW I HAD TO SETTLE FOR THIS FUCKING ORPHAN?!

I brought my hoof up and with a shriek of rage and the utmost force that I could muster, I smacked Scootaloo across the face sending her tumbling to the ground.

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...

Rainbow Dash yelped, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" she flew over to Scootaloo's side as I stood huffing and snorting like I had rabies.

Scootaloo cradled her bleeding face.

Rainbow Dash turned to glare at me but to my surprise that glare instantly faded into one of fear. I stood snarling like a wild animal as I glared down at Scootaloo's trembling form until my eyes began shifting around and caught a glimpse of my reflection in one of the glass shards. I looked like a homicidal maniac. My mane was frazzled and chaotic, my eyes were wide and twitching, my ears spazmed and flexed, my teeth were clenched and bared as my lips went into an epileptic siezure, and there was even foamed spit drippling down my chin.

I'd never freaked out like that before in my life.

Hell, I'd never even hit a pony before, not legitimately; not like that...

my eye sight blurred with tears; I ran off up the stairs into my room. I dove under the covers and held a pillow over my head as I screamed into it.

My stomach knotted.

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I didn't see Dash again for the rest of the day. I think she took Scootaloo and left.

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...

Two days passed; I didn't see hair nor hide of Dash or Scootaloo. A few of my friends knocked but I didn't answer. I just lay in bed all day and all night, only getting up to feed the animals.

After the third day I wend out to the shed, got an ax, went back into the Cottage, and hacked down the wooden boards that sealed off Freesia's room. I curled up into a ball on her bed and cried. Just cried.

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I didn't know what to do...

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The fourth day came... I'd stopped eating... I fed the animals but I didn't feed myself.

I lay in Freesia's bed day and night... not sleeping... I started to feel really sick from the lack of food and rest but I didn't care... I felt dead inside...

I ruined it... I ruined the only life I had... a life that I hadn't even earned myself; it was given to me... My mom gave me Freesia, Freesia gave me the Cottage; the Cottage gave me my friends, my friends gave me Dash, Dash gave me a daughter... who died... but still...

I had a life given to me... I've been living my entire life on the charity of others and now... I just pushed everypony away with one action.

It's not fair.

It's not fair.

It's not... fair...

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I just didn't know what to do...

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I heard some knocking on the door, I ignored it.

More knocking... I still ignored it.

A loud crash, a pony busting through my front door. Well come right in why don't you?

Hoofsteps... I felt scared, I didn't want to see anypony; I didn't want anypony to see me like this.

"Fluttershy?" it was Rarity's voice of all ponies.

"..." I didn't respond.

Wait... Rarity busted down my door?

I looked up and behind her was Applejack. Oh.. that explains it...

I dropped my head again.

"Fluttershy!" Rarity cried, "Oh dearie... look at you... you're an absoloute wreck! Eugh and you stink too! When's the last time you've had a bath?"

Great, just add on another thing to my list of failures.

Rarity huffed, she and Applejack dragged me out of bed and into the bathroom. The filled up Freesia's bathtub with water and washed me. The whole time I looked like a zombie. Felt like one too.

Soon Applejack was cooking something in the kitchen while I sat slumped over the table with half lidded lifeless eyes. Rarity gave me a stern look, "now see here Fluttershy! I will not sit and watch a dear friend destroy herself like this!"

"..."

"Aw, come on thar sugarcube! Just 'cause ya'll have a fight don't mean it's the end 'o the world now!" Applejack called out from the kitchen.

I furrowed my brows in confusion. "What..." the first word I'd spoken in like almost 4 days.

Rarity held my hoof, "every couple has their trouble dear, but that does not excuse such behavior as this!"

I blinked... "... do you guys... did Dash tell you what happened?"

Rarity sighed, "she said that you'd had a very bad fight and needed some alone time."

I sat flabbergasted. I was positive that she'd go around to all of our friends and tell them how horrible of a pony I was and that I'd hit Scootaloo.

Apparently she'd given a short un-detailed version.

I stared at the table.

"We didn't." I said dumbly.

Now it was Rarity's turn to blink, "sorry?"

"We didn't have a fight... Scootaloo... broke Freesia's china cabinet with her scooter."

Rarity's eyes widened as she covered her mouth and gasped. Rarity and I are very close and she knows full well how important that cabinet was to me.

"Oh... honey... oh my... what happened?"

I looked away in shame, "I... sort of... *mumble*"

"Sorry dear?"

"I hit Scootaloo." I said in a rushed voice.

Rarity recoiled with a gasp, "What?! Fluttershy! I am appalled!"

"Not as much as Dashie is..." I mumbled back as I stared at the table. "it was just too much... too much... I know it's not right and ya no excuse blah blah blah, but it was too much... after everything... and then... ugh... it was just too much.."

Applejack set down a few plates of something that smelt good. I felt my stomach growl but I ignored it, "and now I fucked everything up." Applejack and Rarity both recoiled at my cursing. Had I never sworn in front of them before? Hmm.. "Dash never wants to see me again and I'm a terrible pony and I should be locked up somewhere left to die."

"FLUTTERSHY!" Rarity gawked, "I will hear none of that! Now listen here."

She gave the old speach of how I should basically go apologize with all my heart and if Rainbow Dash truly loved me she'd forgive me. I also needed to apologize to Scootaloo too.

Ugh... I was NOT looking forward to that...

And unfortunately for me, I had to do it alone. I fluttered up to Dash's old cloudhouse which for some reason she still owned even though she lived with me and knocked on the door.

I felt my heart pounding, I felt so uncomfortable, how does one apologize for something like this?

Rainbow Dash answered. I stared down at the cloudfloor and scuffed my hoof on it...

"H-hey..."

Dash didn't reply. But she didn't slam the door either so that was something at least.

"Hey..." she said after a few moments. Oh gosh I felt so awkward...

"Dash... I'm so-" "Save it, I'm not the one you need to apologize to."

"... ... ... .. ..." I nodded.

All at once it clicked in my mind.. we weren't talking about me hitting Scootaloo anymore, we were talking about something much much bigger...

Dash led me into Scootaloo's room; I entered and saw her sitting there playing some video games. I entered and stood a little ways behind her.

Scootaloo ignored me which was justified I suppose... I cleared my throat in an attempt to make my presence known.

Scootaloo whipped her head around, "huh? Oh... hey..." she turned back to her game.

I suddenly had a strange fit of nostalgia; hadn't something like this happened between me and my mom? Except she didn't hit me, she'd just scared the crap out of me after a fight with dad...

I stepped a little closer... and closer... soon I was right next ot her, like I was inching my way towards a wild animal; "Scootaloo... I'm so so sorry..."

Scootaloo put her controller down and stared at the floor for a few moments.

And in that moment of nostalgia; it hit me. Now I know why everything felt so oddly familiar, hadn't I been in a similar situation to her? Details, details, but the basic rundown? Unwanted, unloved... My dad never wanted me, I was unplanned... My mom tried her best to be a good parent but she made so many mistakes, and one of them went to the point that I'd chosen a mare I'd only known for a year over her...

And as for Freesia herself? She wanted a foal of her own... but never got the chance... and had to settle...

...

...

Settle for me...

Just like I had to settle for Sco-...

"Oh gods..." I whimpered as I threw my forelegs around her which caught her off guard; I cried into her mane, "I'm so so so sorry..."

"Geeze it's OK! Not like I haven't been hit before, I'm a tough mare!"

I unloaded all of my emotion, I balled my eyes out, "I'M SO SORRY FOR BEING A HORRIBLE MOTHER!"

That was it... that was what this was really all about... motherhood... that's what it all was... my entire life was preparing me for motherhood... that's the true... t-that's the true embodiment of Kindness... Motherhood...

There's no purer love in the universe then the love between a mother and her foal. THAT is the Element of Kindness. Motherhood.

Scootaloo froze up... and after a while I felt her tears falling down as well.

"I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry..." I whispered out as I rocked us back and forth.

I finally pulled away and stared into her tear filled eyes with my own, "I promise you... I promise that no matter what I will ALWAYS give you unconditional love."

So that was it then... the truth all layed out for us... she was an orphan who needed a mother and I was a distraught wannabe parent who needed a daughter.

I felt Dash's forelegs and wings wrap around the both of us. We all cried on each other for an hour or so and fell asleep like that.

...

...

And that's it. A few years later Scootaloo graduated from high school and is now attending college. Eventually she graduated with a bachelor'd degree with several athlete's scholarships and became a professional stunt mare for big time movies.

Dash and I grew old, she was forced to retire albeit kicking and screaming. I found a nice pony from Trottingham to take over the Cottage and now Dashie and I are living out in a lovely condo overlooking the ocean in a beautiful island country. Being Wonderbolt sort of guarantees a nice pension when you retire heh heh...

well... that's it I guess... I wound up having a happy ending after all.

Freesia was right... no matter how dark things get... they always get better. Things will always get better with time.

Time and pressure... time and pressure... put enough effort and sheer stubborn will power into what you want and eventually the universe is bound to throw you a bone just to shut your yapping up.

So that's it. My autobiography.

The Pieces of me.

Friends.

Broken Relationships.

Maturing Mare.

And finally, Motherhood.

I am Fluttershy.

This is me. Soldiering on.

And you know what? I love my life.

SONO CRYSTAL AX35 SHUTTING DOWN SOUND IMPRINT SUCCESSFUL

CLLLLLKKKKFFZZZZZZZZTTT!

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Well, there you go. I Am Fluttershy. And yes before you ask, there is a sequel that I am now working on called I Am Octavia with much the same writing style as this. I should have the first chapter up in a few days.

Till then, see ya!

BemnalTheFallen


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